Game of Thrones S7:E7 ” The Dragon and the Wolf”

Game of Thrones S7:E7 ” The Dragon and the Wolf”

Yes, I’ve been dragging my feet writing this, obviously.  I’m bummed that this season is over and the next season probably won’t start until 2019, so finishing this blog means it’s REALLY over.  I, like you, really enjoy living with these characters in this world, and the next episode of Game of Thrones is fun to look forward to, and now we have to wait over a year.

I’m also still extremely disappointed in the sloppy writing, logic holes, and stories that are just a means to an end.  I have a LOT of questions about their own rules of magic, which they play fast and loose, and don’t get me started on that idiotic Arya/Sansa storyline.

The really big question I have is why did the Night’s King need a dragon at all to get beyond The Wall, besides the fact that it would just be cool?

JUST COCKS

At the start of this episode, I was really nervous that they’d fuck up the finale like they did the previous episode.  So many storylines just didn’t make any sense, the biggest was the stupid journey beyond The Wall JUST so the Night’s King could get a dragon by accident.  I can’t say enough about the idiotic Arya/Sansa storyline that made zero sense, and still made zero sense with the payoff. It was nice to see Littlefinger finally get his comeuppance, which was long overdue, but the means didn’t justify the ends.

Was it a good idea to bring, seemingly, your ENTIRE army?  Why let the enemy know exactly what you have?

unsullied

grey worm
Incidental Grey Worm sighting.
cocks in the end
That’s what she said?

MAGICAL THE GATHERING

Oh, how I’ve missed these kinds of scenes this season!  The crisp dialogue.  Main characters who haven’t ever met or characters who haven’t seen each other in a very long time.  Little moments,  the back and forth of lying, manipulation, real respect, old friendships, trying to figure out the other’s true motives.

king_slanding
Westeros Side Story.  (Nailed it!)

Bronn and Tyrion.  Two men who respect each other, both of whom have come a long way.

tyrion and bronn

Tyrion and Pod!  Pod has always seen the good in Tyrion, and Pod is Tyrion’s surrogate son.

pod 1pod 2

Then there’s the greatest reunion of them all, Brienne and The Hound!  I love these two together and want more, more, more!

houndbrienne

It’s SO satisfying and delicious to see these two meet again.  Of all people The Hound might respect most in the world, and he hates everyone, he respects the shit out of that glorious warrior, Brienne.  The look on The Hound’s face when she told him Arya was not only well, but anyone who crosses her should be very afraid. The slight smile of pride from both of them as they bonded over their little adopted assassin daughter made me feel all warm and tingly inside.

DzNRQrrQjKqMs9xhP3T3_Houndy Brienne

The fact that The Hound and Brienne are on the same team just makes me so happy.

brienne ear1
AWWW!! The last time these crazy kids met.  So sweet!!

Jaime wordlessly and hurriedly passes Brienne, the only person who reminds him of the man he’s always wanted to be and is currently NOT.  Brienne knows that he saved King’s Landing by killing the Mad King Aerys, who heard voices that drove him crazy (I think those voices were Bran).  What will she do when she finds out he pushed a little boy out of a window?  No future heroics can redeem him from that, except some big sacrifice to save one of the good guys, maybe even giving his life to save Brienne or Tyrion.

brienne rows off farewell
Could they hook up?  Ya or nah?

Jaime’s arc this season was fucking terrible.  I know they were saving his big exit for the finale, but the fact that he remained steadfast to Cersei was just unbelievable.  “The things we do for love” motivation had long passed for Jaime.  That he stayed with her, that ANYBODY stayed with her after she blew up the Sept, Ala The Mad King, makes no sense whatsoever.  The fact that anyone stays loyal to her now is ridiculous.  Why should the Lannister Army stay with her when Jaime leaves?  Why should anyone?

The Hound steps up to his brother, who is looking shittier than ever, like he’s had three Friday night’s plus two more Saturday nights EVERY night, and says this, “What did they do to you? Doesn’t matter. That’s not how it ends for you brother.  You know who’s coming for you. You’ve always known.”  I guess that means The Hound will kill him. Is The Mountain deteriorating?  If he’s dead, or somewhere in between, can he be turned into a wight?

I’m hoping at some point The Mountain might switch sides and sacrifice himself for his brother.  Now THAT would be cool.

hound mountain
Hound, “Dude, you look like a blown out asshole.”

HOW TO ARRIVE FASHIONABLY LATE

First, another shout out to the set designer, Deborah Riley, for nailing it with the Dragon Pit, and also costume designer Michele Clapton.  These ladies are crushing it.

dragonpit

Yes, I get it, Daenerys wanted to make a grand entrance to show her power, BUT DON’T BRING TWO DRAGONS WHEN PEOPLE THINK YOU HAVE THREE! For fuckssakes!  All those advisors and not ONE of them thought of this?? The fact that Daenerys brought ANY dragons at all WHEN SHE KNOWS THEY HAVE A WEAPON THAT CAN SHOOT AN ARROW THAT CAN INJURE OR KILL HER DRAGONS makes zero sense.  How does she know they don’t have a hundred of those??  And again, where’s the worry about wildfire? Oh yeah, what about that wildfire? Cersei used a lot of it to blow up the Sept, but we know they are able to make more.

drogon lands at the pit
DrogLyft.

Great spectacle, but not very logical.

Euron, dressed as a swashbuckling leather-daddy,  chews more scenery.  Ugh, this guy.  So far, he’s just a one-dimensional character, and I don’t find him interesting at all.

euron
The Dick and the Dickless.

Jon, in all his boring seriousness, gets up to speak.

boring jon
Still constipated.

The Hound carries the crate with the wight, shaking it around, DROPS it onto the ground, loudly opens the lid and – nothing.

hound out of tunnel
I get all the shit jobs.

Mind you, on the ship he went downstairs and BARELY TOUCHED the crate and the wight went crazy.  I know they wanted the wight to make a “big entrance,” but come on.

hound kicks over box

I thought a more interesting choice would be that it was dead, or dead-er, or UN-reanimated.  As if it would have been out reach of the magic of the Night’s King.  The magical rules on this show are murky.  What is the Night’s King magical powers specifically?  What is his connection with Bran specifically?

I was worried that Cersei would see the wight and just think of it as some old sorcery.  I mean, Qyburn can do some weird shit, and she could have thought that Dany has a crazy maester too, and that this is all just some trick.

Thank goodness that didn’t happen or there would have been a LOT MORE CAPS in this review.

wight

Everyone reacted as they should have. Like WHATTHEFUCKISTHATFUCKINGTHING?

Except one person.

Qyburn calmly gets up and picks up the hand the Hound chopped off, looks at it, then had an orgasm.  Right there.  In front of everyone.  Ah, Qyburn, you creepy bastard, never change.

qyburn jizz with green screen
Green screen fun.

The look of fear on Jaime’s face when Daenerys told him there were 100,000 at least made me think, maybe he’s not the dumb Lannister after all.  But then I remembered, oh wait, yes he is for supporting Cersei THIS FUCKING LONG!!

The deal Daenerys seems to be offering Cersei is, “We all need to fight the Army the Dead because if we don’t defeat the Night’s King we’ll all be dead. If you don’t want to join while we’re doing that, then you have to agree not to make any moves to take over Westeros, and when I come back I won’t kill you, and you won’t get to be Queen of anything.”  Why on earth would anyone think she’d take that deal?

One-note Euron jumps up and says he’s seen a lot of shit, but this is the first things he’s seen that terrifies him, and he’s all “Fuck it, they can’t swim so imma go hole up on my island until this blows over.”  Euron is all about Euron, and it would have made sense.

Turns out Cersei was (I guess??) going to have Euron pretend to fight with her then storm off, she’d pretend to be done with him, but then he’d actually be sneaking away to bring back the Golden Company of Essos. How did they plan to do that?  “Hey, let’s get in a fight at some point and you storm off.  OR, let’s hope they bring something that’s undead, pretend you’re scared and THEN run away!!”  Why couldn’t he just not have been there and Cersei could say she didn’t know where he was?

Euron-Dragonpit-1024x576
Fuck this shit. (I wish)

I was hoping Euron was street-smart enough to ACTUALLY be terrified, because he and everyone else SHOULD be terrified. What, he’s going to get the Golden Company and then what?  If Dany beats the Night’s King she’ll come back and defeat Cersei.  If the Night’s King wins, Cersei and everyone else will die as well.  I don’t know what she’s thinking, “I’ll let them deal with in and meanwhile I’ll TAKE OVER AND RULE!”  This whole “plan” makes zero sense.  Or that she thinks Daenerys can defeat the Night’s King and then she’ll defeat her depleted army and rule?

Cersei agrees, too easily and reasonably,  to fight the Army of the Dead in the “Great War” as they are conveniently calling it, but Jon has to agree to remain Switzerland.  I don’t get that at all.  She knows he won’t remain neutral, and why does she even need him to? Did she say that just so she could have a reason to say “fuck you” to the alliance?  Then super boring Jon proclaims he’s already bent the knee for Dany, and everyone in his group looks shocked.  Did he not tell anyone?  Why not?

jon pledge to danycersei leaves

The meeting goes to shit as expected, Cersei and ball-less Jaime leave in a huff, then, the one person Jaime is trying to avoid, Brienne, grabs him and gives him the look of disappointment you got from your Mom that made you feel like the worst piece of shit.

Jaime, in all his scrotumless-ness, claims he has no control over his choices because he’s loyal to Cersei. Again, WHY???

tumblr_ovdlfc4ZIF1vr719go6_540jaime fuck loyalty?

Brienne, the most loyal of any loyal person who’s ever been loyal, has the best line of the episode.  Brienne is the only one who can remind Jaime of the person he could be, but doesn’t have the courage to actually be, and I’m still not sure he wants to be.  Although for me, there’s no redemption ever for Jaime because he pushed a kid out of a window.

Cersei storms off, and Tyrion goes into the Lioness’s den to try to salvage it.

tyrion we're fucked

Tyrion meets Jaime as he’s walking out of Cersei’s chambers not having made any headway.  It seems like this would have been an important conversation to see, but whatever.

jaime tyrion

Tyrion goes in, Cersei threatens his life with The Mountain, which everyone knew wouldn’t happen.  Chalk it up to more fake drama for fake drama’s sake.

tyrion say the word best

The outcome of this seems to be that Tyrion probably leveraged her love for her unborn child to take the deal, and I guess Cersei thought lying would help buy her some time?  Why on earth would Tyrion believe her? Why? Why? Why?  Why after Cersei hated him his entire life, tried to get him killed, who lies and lies and lies, why the fuck would he believe her??

I will say though, that Peter Dinklage and Lena Headey haven’t had a scene together for a long time, and boy do these guys bring out the best in each other.  Their scenes always crackle with tension.

tyrion cersei
They hate each other.
Peter and Lena
Just kidding!  They love each other!!

I’m not sure how I liked the writing of Tyrion’s character this season.  He’s been wrong about absolutely everything.  On that note, Varys has basically had zero lines this season.  Honestly, Varys should be the one to do all the negotiating as he has no familial connections to anyone and knows Cersei’s nature and when people are lying.

While this is going on, Jon and Dany have a conversation.  In case we haven’t been beaten over the head enough that Dany can’t get pregnant, she has to say it again.  Jon says what I’ve been saying, that maybe that witch is lying.  Which begs the question, why would she believe that witch anyway?  She didn’t use birth control when she was fucking Daario, so I guess her eggs have been waiting for that hot half Targaryen/half Stark sperm.

children 1children2

Of course this means she’ll get pregnant immediately and incestuously.

Cersei comes back out and says she’ll go along with their stupid, er, amazing plan.  WHY DOES ANYONE BELIEVE HER????

WINTERFAIL

Back to Winterfell for the conclusion of this dumb fuck storyline.  This Sansa/Arya arc made zero sense.  The showrunners THEMSELVES said on “After the Thrones” that these scenes were supposed to show that Sansa ACTUALLY thought Arya might kill her.  Arya and Sansa were NOT plotting together.  Nothing in the writing supports this.  Nothing in Sansa’s reactions supports this.  Sansa was actually written to be afraid Arya might kill her.

People on various comment threads keep saying, “They were doing it to trick Littlefinger.”  No, they weren’t, because Littlefinger WAS NOT PRIVY TO ANY OF THEIR CONVERSATIONS.  He was nowhere for their talk on the wall, or Sansa’s bedroom, or the talk behind the CLOSED bedroom door.  This isn’t King’s Landing where there’s lot of tunnels and hiding places for Littlefinger’s “birds” to hide so he can overhear conversations.

So who was this shitty writing for?  Who was it supposed to fool?  What’s the point of Arya threatening Sansa’s life in private? Apparently it was written just to try to misdirect the audience. No one believed Arya would kill Sansa or vice versa.  Come on, they JUST reunited since season one and they expect us to believe that shit?

In my notes I wrote WHERE’S THE MOTHER LIVING FUCK IS BRAN????????? OH THERE’S BRAN. NICE 1.5 EPISODE NAP ASSHOLE

A quote from my favorite Game of Thrones recap, a recap I like even more than mine,

http://blacknerdproblems.com/game-of-thrones-recap-the-dragon-and-the-wolf/

“Bran is like Jean Grey if Jean only used her telekinesis to preheat the oven.”

Do yourself a favor and read his reviews.  They’re hilarious!

OH FINALLY HERE’S FUCKING BRAN 

sansa bran.jpeg

sansa lord baelish

More proof that Sansa didn’t know whether Arya was going to kill her or not is because she gave Littlefinger his OWN WORDS back to him.  She didn’t figure it out until after she spoke to him, when he said to her, “Sometimes, when I try to understand a person’s motives, I play a little game. I assume the worst.”  It was only after that conversation that she asked herself why Arya would want to kill her. The only answer was because she wanted to become Lady of Winterfell.  The only answer to THAT is that isn’t something Arya ever wanted.  So Arya and Sansa WEREN’T plotting together.  Did Arya threaten to kill her sister behind closed doors where Littlefinger could never hear, in HOPES she’d figure it out? What kind of bullshit is that?

baeish

arya smirk

When did Sansa FINALLY talk to fucking Bran?  When did Bran finally come out of his bedroom and say, “Oh hey guys, Littlefinger did this and this and the other thing.”

Sansa reads off the things Littlefinger did, with some new bombshell information for us, but why should the Knights of the Vale believe it?  There’s still no evidence Littlefinger did the things he did, and they only really have his denial against Bran’s words.  Do they just take at face value that Bran has these unbelievable powers where he knows everything that’s ever happened?  I guess so.

Arya gives the most efficient slice to Littlefinger’s throat, and two glorious things happened, we ended that idiotic storyline, and Littlefinger is finally dead, which was LONG overdue.

arya cuts littlefinger
Awesomely SAVAGE.

Huge props to Aiden Gillen for playing Littlefinger so wonderfully!

The new information, more so than knowing what we already knew, that Jon is the legitimate Targaryen heir, is that Lysa Arryn herself killed her husband with Tears of Lys, when all the while I thought it was Jaime and Cersei.  The letter to Winterfell to Catelyn from Lysa, was Lysa conspiring with Littlefinger, telling them that the Lannisters killed Jon Arryn, is what started this whole thing.

Littlefinger started it all, but at this point, what was his plan ultimately?  What’s the point of putting a wedge between Sansa and Arya when there’s an Army of the Dead coming?

SISTAS 4 EVA

I don’t care how cheesy the last scene was between Arya and Sansa, I LOVED it.

These two hadn’t seen each other since season 1, and I love that they’re together, a team, the two wolf sisters, stronger than ever.

ARYA-SANSA

the pack survives

stark-sisters-united

Remember these babies?

young starks

SAMSPLAINING

A nice surprise was to see Sam show up, since I thought he might go home. He walks into Bran’s room and Bran’s all, “I know everything.”  THE VERY NEXT SENTENCE is, “Why are you here?” UGH!  The writing of Bran’s character is so bad.

sam bran

Bran tells Sam that Jon is a Sand and not a Snow, which makes no sense to me because why would it be WHERE you were born that determines your bastard name, rather than  WHOSE bastard you are?  I think the bastard term for a Targaryen is “Waters” and/or “Rivers.”

Sam then bogarts Gilly’s discovery that Lyanna and Rheagar were legally married.  Bran’s mind Google’s it, and we see a guy who I thought was the exact same actor that played Viserys in an official marriage ceremony with Lyanna Stark.  Again, I thought Bran knew everything.  Did he not bother to look just a LITTLE BIT MORE into that area of the past?

wolf and dragon iss
The first Dragon and Wolf.

I do love me some Sam, though.  I also wonder if we won’t see any more of Jim Broadbent. It seems a waste to cast an actor of his calibre and not really use him that much.

whisper aegon targaryen

This is a little weird, because the babies from Rheagar’s first marriage and wife, Elia Martell, Oberyn’s sister, were named Rhaenys and Aegon.  They were all killed by The Mountain.

I don’t know why she picked that name, because there was no way to know, as she was hidden away during Robert’s Rebellion, that The Mountain had killed Rhaenys and the first Aegon.  She probably gave birth right around the time they were killed.

But Aegon Targaryen he is.  The first scenes of next season needs to be:

  1. Jon is told he’s a Targaryen (though still half Stark) and heir to the Throne
  2. Daenerys’ reaction to this
  3. Jon and pregnant Dany’s reaction to this
  4. Everyone else’s reaction to this.
  5. The Night’s King immediately shows up.  If they delay his arrival for even 5 minutes, because, you know, he’s on a dragon, cue more logic-free writing.

If this ends with Daenerys just handing over the throne to Jon, I’ll be pissed.  Jon has never wanted any throne.  Daenerys has gone through shit and back working for it.  If Jon just steps into it at the end with never having any desire for it, I’ll be pissed.  Also, does that scenario sound familiar?

JAIME FINALLY LEAVES CERSEI FOR THE DUMBEST REASON

Jaime tries to reason with Cersei that they can’t win this.  Cersei reveals that she secretly conspired with Euron to go get the Golden Company of Essos.   She can take over all the lands while Daenerys is fighting the Night’s King.

cersei walks behind jaime

cersei-GOLDEN COMPANY season-8CERSEI ourchild

They’re making Cersei out to be really one note, and kinda stupid.  I also never believed for one second that she’d kill Jaime either.  BUT, I’m glad that had Cersei stick to her true nature and lie.

cersei kill jaime-season-8-1
Kill the only person you can trust?  Dumb.

So Cersei blowing up the Sept with wildfire killing hundreds of people and being directly responsible for Tommen’s suicide, and her just being irrationally consumed with revenge, NONE of that was enough for him to leave her, but because she went behind his back to Euron, that’s what made him leave?  Got it.

jaime leaves cersei
It makes no sense for ANYONE to go along with her shit anymore.  Not Euron, not Qyburn, and not even the Lannister Army.  Why would anyone follow her after they’ve seen the girl with dragons and the dead that are coming?

Jaime rides off to, I assume, Winterfell, which will be very interesting.

Where’s Bronn?

CASUAL INCEST IS BEST

Jon and Dany have aunt and nephew incest sex, and it’s the most non-sexy, no chemistry sex scene ever.

dany in bed
Fake it ’till you make it.
jod butt squat day
Butt acting.

What was that look from Tyrion at the end? There are many theories out there, mine is just that I think he’s worried that their being in love will interfere with making the right decisions, especially the big life and death decisions.

Remember in season 1, Maester Aemon wisely told Jon that, ““Love is the death of duty.”  And I think that’s what Tyrion is worried about.

aemon-love-is-the-death-of-duty

I wonder if he also knew of Jon’s true parentage?

THE MONEY SHOT

The Wall was the first thing we saw in the very first episode of the series, and you knew it had to come down at some point.

I absolutely think Tormund, at minimum, is still alive, if not also Beric.  Tormund and Brienne have to have their stories end, and I think they will hook up.  Brienne deserves a happy ending.  Tormund has climbed The Wall more than once, so I expect to either see him on top of The Wall running to one of the other castles, or hanging by one of his axes and climbing back up to the top.  That awesome bearded ginger isn’t dead yet!!

tormund-dragon

beric-tormund

dragon-burninating
It’s either blue flame that hotter than yellow flame, or magic flames.
nights king cu blue flame
Poor Viserys.

Yes, it looked cool, but here’s another huge logic hole:  Why did the Night’s King need a dragon at all?

I know why the writers wanted it to happen, first, because it balances the power with Dany, second, because a wight dragon with blue flames would look cool, and because the Wall coming down would look cool, and because that was their plan from the beginning.  The necessity of a dragon, and how the Night’s King got a dragon, however, lacks logic.

blue flam on wallwall-down

First, I’ve complained, as many have, that it took FOREVER for the Night’s King to shuffle to The Wall.  People say it’s because he was waiting for a dragon.  OK.  How did he know there were dragons?  Does he know because he’s connected to Bran and Bran knows there’s dragons?  How much or little is the Night’s King connected to Bran?  Can he only sense Bran or does he actually see what Bran sees?  Does he see ALL of what Bran sees or just some?  The writers have purposefully left his murky so they can make excuses when their logic doesn’t work.

Let’s say the Night’s King knew there were dragons through Bran, how did he think he was going to get one?  The only way he could get a dragon is if Dany flew one over the wall.  OK.  There’s no way he could know that would ever happen. What if they never made that stupid journey, and what if Dany never flew a dragon over the wall?  What would he have done then?  Did he have a Plan B?

This is why Jon’s stupid plan to get a wight was just a means to an end so the Night’s King could get a dragon.  There’s no way the Night’s King could know that Jon would come up with that dumb plan to go beyond the wall.  Does that mean he ALSO knew that if Jon came beyond The Wall that Daenerys was SO in love with him that she would bring all 3 of her dragons to save him?

It was just a bunch of illogical steps to get to an end, so the Night’s King could get a dragon, and the Wall could come down in the most spectacular fashion.

Wall-falls-down

Here’s another question, if The Wall was built SPECIFICALLY to keep the Night’s King out, why was anyone worried about them anyway?  Isn’t that what the wall was SOLELY built for? To keep the White Walkers out?  So why all the fuss?  Why is anyone worried? The Night’s King could just stand on the other side of The Wall forever.

Yes, I know that PRESUMABLY, when the Night’s King grabbed Bran’s wrist, that it probably broke the magic in The Wall along with the 3-Eyed Raven’s cave, but why has no one has ever talked about the magic that was built into The Wall?  I’m looking at you, Bran.  That just seems to have been tossed out the window.

So IF the Night’s King knew the magic was broken when he grabbed Bran’s wrist, why didn’t he just go to and through The Wall then?  He has mammoths and giants.  We’ve seen the wildling giant break one of the gates down, and apparently he had giant chains with him this whole time, so all the Night’s King had to do was use his mammoths and giants to break a gate and go through.  He didn’t need a dragon.  It would have made perfect sense for him to just get the dragon during a battle south of the wall.

Another question, The Wall took hundreds of years to build after the First Men and Children of the Forest defeated the Night’s King.  Where was the Night’s King that whole time they were building the Wall?  Where did he go?  Why did the Night’s King wait thousands of years to come back?

game-of-thrones-no-more-wall
I was hoping to see Zombie Hodor.

IN SUMMARY

knock knock
Knock Knock.  Who’s there?  My penis.  (Jon’s so boring, that’s his best attempt at a joke.)

The Dragon and the Wolf started it, and now the Dragon and the Wolf will end it.

STRAY THOUGHTS

-I LOVE this show, I love this world, and I love these characters, but a lot of the writing this season has been sub par.

-Now that the Night’s King has a dragon and they’re though the wall, there’s literally no other stories to be told because he’ll be at Winterfell in about 3 minutes.  If they delay this, it will result in more illogical writing.

-If everyone knows the Night’s King can turn animals into wights, the only reason for that zombie bear scene, why on earth does it not occur to ANYONE that he would turn Viserion?

-How will everyone receive the news that Jon is actually Aegon Targaryen?  How will Jon feel knowing he’s been fucking his aunt, who will certainly be pregnant? How will the men of the North feel?  Sansa and Arya? I mean, he’s still half Stark.

Reunions:

-Gendry and Arya.

gendry and arya

-Jaime and Bran.  How is THAT one going to go?  If Jaime is going to Winterfell, is he even thinking about that?  Does he think Bran and Arya and Jon and Sansa are just going to accept him with open arms?  I guess he could tell them what Cersei is doing, Bran can google it, Brienne could stick up for him, and that might give him some good faith.

jaime pushes bran

-Sansa and The Hound.

got-reunion-hound-sansa

-Arya and The Hound.

got-reunion-hound-arya

-The Arya and Sansa reunion with the Hound will be amazing.  I hope they hug him.  I don’t think anyone’s ever given The Hound a hug and I want those two to hug the fucking shit out of him.

-Cersei will die.  The prophecy of Maggie the frog will be fulfilled one way or another.  She will be killed by a Valonqar, which means “little brother” in High Valerian.  Officially, the baby is the younger brother, if it’s a boy, of her dead children.  Although we’ve learned High Valerian pronouns can be interchanged, i.e.: The Prince that Was Promised.  Yes, I do think she’s really pregnant.  Either Jaime will kill her. Or Tyrion. Or Arya as Jaime. OR, she’ll die somehow in childbirth.  The baby could be a dwarf, and she’ll die in childbirth like her mother, the baby will live, and Jaime will raise him as a single dad back on Casterly Rock.  Or, EVEN BETTER, the baby will die in utero and become a wight and destroy her from within.

-Please don’t let any more dragons die.

-And do NOT let Nymeria or Ghost die.  I look forward to the moment where Arya is about to die and Nymeria comes to the rescue.

-Tyrion and Sansa reunion will be sweet.

-Jon and Arya will be sweet.

-Jon and Bran will be weird because Bran’s weird.

-Jon and Sam!

-Sam and Jorah.

-Sam will probably learn Daenerys killed his dad and brother.  How will he react to that?  Probably fine because his dad was an asshole, and he’ll probably think his brother was a moron.

-Theon’s lack of balls saved him even thought that guy was 3 times his size.  And boy are those Iron Born are very easily swayed.  Fuck Theon!  Oh, wait, he kicked that guy’s ass!  Love Theon!! Where is Yara?  Is she in the cells or with Euron? Why would ruin even keep her alive?

-I think Theon and Yara will end up killing Euron.

-I’d love one more Yara girl on girl hook up.

-We’ve solved the problem of who the three dragon riders will be, since there’s now only two. Jon will ride the one named after this father, Rhaegal.

-What role do the Red Witches still have to play?

-I expect the Second Sons led by Daario to show up to help save the day.

-What stake does the Iron Bank have in all this???

-Who I think/hope will live.  Jon, Daenerys, Arya, Sansa, Bran, Brienne, Tormund, Tyrion, Davos, Ghost, Nymeria, The Hound, Theon, Yara, Missandei, Grey Worm, Sam, and possibly Jaime and his baby.

Rating:  

9.3/10. It doesn’t get a 10 for the stupid Arya/Sansa story.

Thanks to all the tens of people who read this each week.

See you in, possibly, 2019!

 

 

Game of Thrones S7:E6 “Beyond the Wall”

Game of Thrones S7:E6 “Beyond the Wall”

I love this show!

That said…

This is the most scathing Game of Thrones review I’ve ever written.

This episode was so ridiculous, I’m almost too pissed to write about it.  It’s all spectacle with shitty storytelling.  It should be titled:

“WHY?? WELL BECAUSE WE NEEDED AN ICE DRAGON AND THOUGHT OF THE DUMBEST,  MOST ILLOGICAL WAY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN AND ALSO WHERE THE FUCK IS BRAN??”

Besides absolutely loving the banter at the beginning while they were walking to do their  “most fucking idiotic plan ever,” I hated most of this episode. Sure, the visuals were there, great action and SFX, but everything that’s happening is so infuriatingly stupid, especially the Arya/Sansa forced-drama, illogical bullshit.

It’s frustrating because I KNOW the writers can make a great, exciting, LOGICAL episode without the books because of Hardhome, which was amazing.

Also:  WHERE THE FUCK IS BRAN???

bran doing nothing
I’ll just be over here watching porn!!

The fact that all of this is happening and there’s no Bran WHO CAN SEE EVERYTHING to warn Jon, to help Jon, to watch over Jon, to tell Jon his plan is fucking stupid, to tell Arya and Sansa everything Littlefinger has done, and just generally tell Arya to CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

I mean shit, can’t Bran just warg into a wight or commander and just walk it back to fucking Eastwatch??  I guess not because he and the Night’s King are somehow connected.  What we don’t know is if Bran and the Night’s King are connected and/or to what level, OR if Bran IS the Night’s King. For him to be the Three Eyed Raven AND the Night’s King seems like a lot to reconcile.

Basically, everything that happened was forced to happen JUST so the Night’s King could get his ice dragon (wight dragon?).  I’ve been talking about ice dragons for a while, so the fact it happened didn’t surprise me, and Dany needed to lose a dragon sooner or later.   The fact that it was the dragon, Viserion, named after her asshole brother she hated (wait, WHY did she even name a dragon after her rapey brother?), so of course it would be the one to die.

On that note, there’s no reason WHATSOEVER Dany should have taken all three dragons.  What did the Eastwatch raven, who apparently time-traveled a couple thousand miles in a few hours, say?  Gendry didn’t see the Army at all, let alone the size of it, to tell Dany how big it was, so what would prompt Dany to take all three?

tyrion watches dany fly
I’ll just take all 3 even though I was told there’s reanimated dead people and an Ice King where I’m going!!

Question:  Did she leave before or after she got the raven?

Whatever! Fuck logic, we need a wight/ice dragon!!

NOTE:  The time-travel throughout this season didn’t really bother me, it was fun to joke about, until there were direct stakes involved, i.e.: freezing to death.  It’s lazy writing to not deal with it properly this time.  It’s not only the time-travel that’s a problem, it’s the logic holes.

By the by, the director himself admitted as much about the time-travel ridiculousness.  I link to it later.

The hammering over the head that Dany can’t get pregnant means she’ll DEFINITELY get pregnant by Jon because, I presume, his awesome half-Targaryen sperm would magically trigger her fertility, but that would mean she’d have to have sex with her nephew.  They’re just casually pushing toward another incestuous relationship on this show like,  “Aw!  Aren’t they cute together?”

There’s no logical reason Jon should not have found out about his parents by this time, when clearly ravens now travel faster than email.  There’s also no reason Jon shouldn’t have been sending updates back to Winterfell.

SHIPPING TORMUND AND THE HOUND

Oh this dumb, dumb, dumb suicide mission.

long walk
Don’t tell me Gendry didn’t have that far to run back to The Wall.

There’s no reason anyone should have agreed to this plan.  What IS the plan?  Jon AND Tormund have seen the Night’s King and Army of the Dead.  Did they just expect to find a single wight way off from the giant, dead army taking a piss behind a tree or on a quiet lunch break, and they’ll just “yoink” it away then sneak back to their Scooby Mystery Machine with ZERO contingency plan?

scooby
The Hound bringing up the rear.

That might as well have been the plan, because the logic in this terrible writing is certainly a mystery to me.

Last week, I called it that only Thoros would die, because he’s a secondary character that no one really cares about.  They wouldn’t kill Gentry or Jorah after JUST bringing them back.  Beric was a possibility.  Certainly not fan-favorite The Hound until he could confront his brother, not Jon (whose plot armor has just gotten stupid), and not Tormund because they need him and Brienne to finally get together.

 

tormund make babies
Hey Tormund. Pro tip: Take a long, hot shower WITH soap, stop dressing like a winter dumpster diver, then ask her out on a proper date instead of staring creepily at her.

So basically there were no real stakes. Which was also my problem with Battle of the Bastards.  Did anyone think any main characters would die, especially Jon because they JUST brought him back to life, and he’s the “ice” of the “fire and ice?”  Jon would live, Ramsey would die, and who cared about Rickon because he’s been out of the story forever.

Thoros has never been a main character, we haven’t seen him in forever, so who really gives a shit that he died?  No one. Don’t get me started on the Red Shirts they suddenly stuck into this group who were thrown in there to die so none of the main characters would have to.  Who gave a shit they died?  No one.  Were they Tormund’s fellow wildlings?  I guess, but no one cares. There was no weight to anyone’s death, except Viserion’s, and even he wasn’t the most popular dragon.

red shirt
Dammit Jim!  I’m a main character!  Not a Red Shirt!!

Anyhoo, all the walking stuff was really great.  The Hound and Tormund are my new favorite bromance.  They realize they both know Brienne, but, again, why didn’t the Hound tell Tormund she beat him in a fight?  Why doesn’t Tormund ask him HOW he knows her? Wouldn’t that be the first logical question?  Did The Hound tell Jon how he saved Sansa in a few situations and took care of Arya for basically a year?  Did Gendry tell Jon how he travelled with Arya?  Does anyone actually talk about anything important?

I’d watch the Tormund & Hound Detective Agency all day.

tormund Youretheonetheycallthedog

hound gingers i hateGingersAreBeautiful-1

tormund bromance begin
Tormund, “I fucking love that crazy grump!!”

I loved the scene between Jon and Jorah about Longclaw.  The stupid part was that if Jorah actually took the sword, then Jon WOULD HAVE NO SWORD.  So ultimately, that was great, then went straight to stupid.  Of course Jorah wouldn’t keep the sword, or Jon could have, you know, offered it AFTER they weren’t walking into danger.

jon-jorah-longclaw
WE’RE TALKIN’ ‘BOUT BABIES AGAIN

LIVE KLONDIKE BAR

The zombie bear rushed them.  Why do we even need a zombie bear?  Because it looks cool?  We already know animals can be turned from the zombie horses they’ve already seen in that HUGE season 2 finale. No one’s forgetting that. Why was the Red Shirt wandering so far ahead when Jon and Tormund KNOW how dangerous the Army of the Dead is and they need to all stick together?

better zombie bear
Who the hell is that guy? Oh, don’t worry, no one we give a shit about.

WHY DIDN’T THEY TAKE MAULED, DEAD REDSHIRT BACK AS THEIR WIGHT???

Anyone??

I’ll tell you why, because the writing was terrible and they needed a wight/ice dragon to happen.

Wights CAN reanimate south of  The Wall.  That was a rule clearly established in season 1 when Jon brought back corpses from beyond The Wall to Castle Black, and it was there they changed. So, no, the Night’s King or generals don’t have to be around or need to touch them.  Also, can the Night’s King and ALSO the generals reanimate or just the Night’s King?  What is the difference between them? Can they not be killed by fire OR dragon fire? Shouldn’t dragon fire have magical abilities over regular fire?  This needs to be made more clear.

jon-wight castle black

Jon knows this, so why not LOGICALLY bring Red Shirt #1 back?  Oh, right.  It’s because all that matters is getting an ice dragon, logic be damned.

Thoros of Myr gets mauled.  WHY SAVE HIM??  Jesus christ, just sacrifice him for the obvious greater good, i.e.: to try to stave off the destruction of personkind.  Thoros was done living anyway, and he probably would have been fine with it.  Do they KNOW how people turn into wights?  Or did Jon just walk in brooding silence and not tell anyone anything, because that’s the way it seems with this dumbass plan.

What they should have done was simply taken a Lannister soldier, killed him beyond the wall, tied him up, then take him back to the other side and wait for him to turn.  Yeah, it would be a dick move to do that, but Jon AND Tormund know what’s out there, sacrifices need to be made to, you know, SAVE THE DESTRUCTION OF ALL HUMANS, that doesn’t result in the stupidest fucking plan ever that puts EVERYONE in danger.

Jorah “the Bear” Mormont kills the bear with dragonglass.  Love Jorah.

So just what are the rules of bringing the dead past The Wall?

Benjen says this.

benjen-wall dead cannot pass

OK.  Well that’s not true because in Season 1 a corpse was taken through the wall and reanimated at Castle Black.

If that’s true how did they take a wight past The Wall in this episode?

Presumably below is what happens if wights tried to pass through The Wall before, and I guess also the Night’s King since he didn’t try to come into the cave because of the protective spells.

bran-cave magic broken!

Then inexperienced Bran fucks everything up with this.

bran fucked up everything

That CLEARLY broke the protective magic, and wights were then able to go into the Three-Eyed-Raven’s cave.  Wouldn’t it logically follow that the magic in The Wall is gone too once the arm grab happened, or at least once Bran passed through it? Or is that totally different magic, and who put all the magic into The Wall?  Bran as Bran the Builder, which, if he’s also the Three Eyed Raven, I’d think it would all be the same protective magic.  ALSO, if the Night’s King either is Bran or at least he’s psychically connected to him, wouldn’t he ALSO know the Wall magic is gone?

Since the Night’s King has mammoths and giants, he could get through the wall as we’ve already seen a giant pull down the gate during the wildling attack of Castle Black,  so really he doesn’t need a dragon.

A dragon would get him past The Wall, but they’d still need to get the entire army through it as well.

knock knock

Either way, we need that wight/ice dragon, and we don’t care how illogical it is to get it!!

DUMB DRAGONSTONE

Tyrion SUCKS as a war advisor.  What correct advice has he given Dany so far since they got to Dragonstone?  None.  He’s still trying to win this war softly without getting his brother killed.

Dany-who-doesn’t-want-to-be-called-Dany is worried about her crush and Jorah.  I guess she’s forgotten about Grey Worm, who seems to be fine and dandy since we see him in the coming up for next week’s episode.

w5kxJntJTQ2bUB5Zh9MI_Tyrion Face
Stop worrying about people dying in war, especially your brother.

Tyrion tries to convince Dany that she didn’t have to burn Randyll Tarly, or maybe just save Dickhead.  THIS IS SO STUPID! She gave them a fucking choice and they chose, stupidly, to die rather than serve a dirty foreigner.  He needs to let that go.  She did exactly what she had to do.

Here’s what was also stupid about Randyll Tarly.  He easily betrayed Lady Olenna, then pledged to Cersei WHO BLEW UP A SEPT WITH EVERYONE IN IT AND NO ONE SEEMS TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT IT.  That, more than ANYTHING that’s happened, is exactly Mad King behavior.  Why does he choose to burn for Cersei when HE KNEW she was batshit fucking crazy??  She wasn’t worth dying for.  Why not just, at minimum, insist the Dothraki take Dickon prisoner to save his family name, which has been established from the second Sam arrived at Castle Black that he finds his lineage VERY important.  So  much so, that he cruelly sends his presumably weak son away to The Wall so the strong son can carry the name.

Tyrion is right to tell Dany that if she dies it’s all over.  It’s true, but that’s just not who she is.  Second, we KNOW she’s not going to die, so trying to set up these empty stakes is lame.  Third, why HAVEN’T they talked about how Dany can’t have any babies or who her successor should be?  Again, I’m sure with the right sperm she can have them, incestuous as it may be. Oh PLEASE don’t let her fuck her nephew.

tryion dany dragons dont go

 

Tyrion claims to know how Cersei thinks.  Uh, NO, HE DOESN’T.  She bested him at Casterly Rock AND captured the ships heading to Dorne.  He clearly doesn’t know her, and the fact that he thinks Cersei will ever, IN A MILLION YEARS, agree to any understanding, pact or whatever, is so stupid I can’t deal with it.  He’s been wrong about everything so far, because he STILL wants to win this war nicely.  The fact that he thinks Cersei will act reasonably by any stretch is so ridiculous. The fact that he thinks Cersei will give a shit about a wight, or even believe what’s beyond The Wall seems ridiculous to me.  That Tyrion thinks Cersei will be less than insanely murderous about any of them is so stupid.

NOTE:  I still don’t believe last week’s episode, where she KNEW of the meeting between Tyrion and Jaime, and didn’t kill Tyrion.  She HATES HATES HATES him and the fact she left him alive makes zero sense.

Listen, I still think Dany needs him.  He’ll be best at next week’s meeting because he’s a great talker and negotiator and is able to use his words to their maximum ability.  He’s just a shitty war counsel.

I’m already pissed about next week’s preview of them all meeting for next week’s summit, and the fact that they don’t think Cersei wouldn’t have some plans to kill them all.  Tyron KNOWS SHE HAS WILDFIRE.  If Dany dies, with their leader dead, what would the the Unsullied and Dothraki have to fight for?

I do like Dany’s winterwear, but there’s no way in hell would keep her warm flying on a dragon to the coldest spot in the world, with no mask or goggles either.

Tyrion-Daenerys-White-Outfit-Beyond-the-Wall
Oh shit.  Is she wearing Ghost??

I HATE THIS ABSURD ARYA SANSA FORCED BULLSHIT

WHY THE FUCK HAVEN’T THEY TALKED ABOUT ANYTHING??? WHERE’S FUCKING BRAN?????

Why has Arya suddenly turned into Hannibal Lecter?   God, this story line is so stupid and horribly written.

SansaMask-1

Sansamask2
Straight from the Halloween Store.

faces-what-does-that-meanarya-sansa-dagger-face

Why doesn’t Arya believe Sansa, who is CLEARLY A DIFFERENT PERSON from when they were young, when she says she was forced to write the scroll letter under duress because they said it would save Ned?

THAT’S ENTIRELY FUCKING PLAUSIBLE!  Of course that makes sense.  Why does Arya say, “Oh, well it didn’t help.”  OF COURSE IT DIDN’T HELP BECAUSE CERSEI AND JORRFEY ARE FUCKING EVIL.

Arya knows all of this.  Arya also saw Sansa scream in horror and agony and collapse when Ned got beheaded.

Again:  WHY HAVEN’T THEY TALKED ABOUT ANYTHING???

Again:  WHERE’S FUCKING BRAN???

Why wouldn’t Arya tell her she found the scroll in Littlefinger’s room?  They both know he can’t be trusted.  Sansa asked where she got it.  Why not fucking tell her? Why protect Littlefinger?

WHY DOES SANSA CONFIDE IN LITTLEFINGER??

Why has the writing gone to shit for these characters?  Are there any women writers on the staff (Hint: no)?

Why does Arya threaten to blackmail Sansa to the Lords of the North, who are already a bunch of whiny asses anyway?  To what end?  What would that help?  Why the fuck does she threaten to kill Sansa and cut her face off?

All her assassination training is all about deception and uncovering deception and being the best at deception, but I guess she just fucking sucks at it now and can be fooled like a dumb 5-year-old.

I hate this so much.  SO.  MUCH.  Suddenly Arya is a stupid lunatic, and Weiss and Benioff have managed to destroy all her character development, make everyone hate her AND this inexplicably stupid storyline.

Why agree to send anyone to Cersei’s meeting at all? Sansa knows how untrustworthy and dangerous she is the most of anyone.  Brienne isn’t a fucking negotiator.  WHY SEND THE ONE PERSON AWAY WHO’S SWORN TO PROTECT BOTH YOU AND YOUR SISTER??

3-60-Brienne-kneels-to-Sansa

sansa-brienne-cut-offsansa-brienne-jaime

Oh I know, “Hey, we need to have a Brienne/Jaime reunion, so what’s the dumbest way we can make that happen?”

Why would the Maester agree to give the note to Litttlefinger in the first place? He’s not the fucking lord or lady of Winterfell.  He would ask Sansa first.  Who’s that laundry wench who helped Littlefinger?  Why doesn’t Arya kill her for scheming with Littlefinger?

People say, “Oh Arya’s just playing a long game to trick Littlefinger.”  Really?  And that includes threatening to kill your sister IN PRIVATE and threatening to cut her face off where Littlefinger couldn’t overhear you?

So.  Fucking.  Stupid.

UGH AND MORE UGH

I knew Jon, Jorah, the Hound, Beric (maybe), Tormund weren’t going to die.  So this whole battle had zero stakes for me.

They CONVENIENTLY come across a separate scout group with some wights and a Commander.

Jon cuts down the Commander and CONVENIENTLY all the wights crumble except ONE.

wight-dominos

wight-scream
How do they scream with no lungs?

The wight is connected to the Night’s King, Jon and Tormund KNOW THIS since they saw it as Hardhome, so why would they think the Night’s King wouldn’t know they took one of his wights??

RUN GENDRY RUN!!!

They hear the Army coming BECAUSE OF COURSE IT’S GOING TO COME, and they send Gendry, who they somehow know is the “fastest” runner back to The Wall.  How do they know he’s the fastest runner?  Was there a qualifying regional track meet at some point?  Also, he’s NEVER BEEN IN THE SNOW AND FREEZING COLD.  I’ve run in the cold in Missouri, and there’s ZERO way he could run that fucking fast that far over rough terrain and snow breathing the coldest air there is.

gallery-1503317991-gendry-run

WHY DIDN’T THEY BRING ANY FUCKING RAVENS WITH THEM???

Oh, right, because who the fucks cares because we just need an ice dragon.

He CONVENIENTLY gets to The Wall just as he collapses.  He tells Davos to send a raven to Dany, again, saying what exactly?  He didn’t see the army or size of it, so what would it say?  What would prompt her to bring ALL THREE DRAGONS??  Why would she bring all three dragons when she has no idea what the fuck she’ll encounter???  She already knows Drogon took a giant arrow, so she knows they can be wounded or even killed, so why take all three?

THE NO STAKES BATTLE BECAUSE WE JUST NEEDED AN ICE DRAGON +
THE ROCK THAT STARTED IT ALL

The Night’s King and Army of the Dead arrives and our guys just HAPPEN to come across a lake that just HAPPENS to have a large rock in the center.

wight-run-hound on ice

jon runs on ice lake

wight-drown

It also happens to NOT be completely frozen over in the coldest part of the world where it is the worst winter in years? Come on, writers.

There is a cool shot of all the blue eyes staring at them.  Mind you, I don’t hate the visuals in this episode, just the shitty storytelling.

The Night’s King just waits for them to freeze?  The guy who is apparently an Olympian javelin thrower doesn’t throw his ice javelins at them?

The argument online is that he was waiting for the dragons to show up.  Well, first, how the does he know there are dragons and how many?  It’s never been established that he can see what Bran can sees or, if he can, to what extent.  Even if he knows there are dragons, how would he know that, “Oh, Dany has a major crush on Jon so she’ll for sure bring her dragons to save him.”

Oh wait, it’s just because we needed an ice dragon so who cares?? AMIRIGHT?

Thoros froze to death.  No one cares.  Why not put the burning body on the fucking ice to melt it?  Why not use the fucking burning sword to melt the ice?? Why, since the Hound had Gendry’s hammer and broke the ice later during the fight, just KEEP BREAKING THE ICE THE ENTIRE TIME???

Because they need and ice dragon.

redshirt.falls into wightsgif
Red Shirt.  No one cares.

 

Also, where are the giants and mammoths??? The giants could just walk across the bottom of the lake to get to Jon and friends to kill them.  The fanboys will respond, “Oh, the Night’s King didn’t want to kill them because he was waiting for Dany’s dragons.”

Oh, OK, SO WHY DID HE SEND WIGHTS TO KILL THEM??

The Hound throws a rock, cracks a wight’s jaw, and it lands on the frozen ice.  Suddenly the wights can think?  It’s all, “Hmm.  Look at how the rock didn’t break the ice. It must be frozen over again, I’ll decide to try it out.”

Houndthrow

Do the wights think individually now?  The Night’s King, who is the KING OF SNOW AND ICE, couldn’t tell when the ice froze??  Couldn’t he actually touch the ice and freeze it himself??

Rockface

Walkerlook

Walkerice
Why doesn’t the Night’s King send ALL OF THEM AT ONCE instead of piecemeal??  Why send them at all if he’s using them for bait to lure Dany?

Tormund wasn’t going to die, so not worried about that part.

tormund-drag

on the rock just before dany
Oh NO!  They’re all going to die!! HAHA!  No they’re not!! Just like the Battle of the Bastards

A RAVEN MADE IT TO DRAGONSTONE, DANY FLEW TO THE WALL OVERNIGHT

The time travel can be ignored, but this is ridiculous.  Looking around the interwebs, it seems the consensus with how fast a raven can fly and the distance from Eastwatch and Dragonstone would be at minimum a 4 day turnaround.

Even director Alan Taylor admits it, and basically says the show is so popular, who cares?  So it’s like, “We know the story was lazy but people will still watch it so whatever.”

http://variety.com/2017/tv/news/game-of-thrones-season-7-episode-6-beyond-the-wall-timeline-director-1202534403/

MAP Game-of-Thrones-Beyond-the-Wall-map-720x671
Our guys were sitting there just overnight.  It’s the coldest place ever, they would have fallen asleep overnight and froze to death.

Since I knew none of our leads wouldn’t die, no matter how dire the fighting seemed, there were still no stakes because we all knew Dany was coming in another last-minute rescue.

Right on cue, here’s Dany.  Yes, it’s a really cool visual.

HeresDany drogon arrivesWalkersBurn

When they’re climbing onto Drogon, there’s literally no fucking reason whatsoever after everyone is on for Jon to keep fighting because Drogon’s wings could blow the wights away.  They could have easily kicked them off.

viserion-down
Super sad!!
viserion into water
GOODBYE SWEET BABY BOY!!!

Now get the fuck out of there!!!!

DanyHand tojon
THERE IS NO REASON HE COULD NOT HAVE CLIMBED ON!!  STUPID!!

Oh right, because we needed a dragon to die and turn into an ice dragon, and the Night’s King just happens to have magic javelins and happens to have an Olympic arm.

How did the Night’s King know his javelin would kill a dragon?  Has he done it before?  Why didn’t the Night’s King throw it at sitting duck Drogon who was sitting RIGHT in front of  him instead of the flying Viserion?  If he threw it at Drogon it could have killed him AND THEN HE COULD HAVE KILLED DANY AND JON AND THE REST!!

viserion-downdrogon-missed

Jon gets pulled into the icy water, but we all know he’s not going to die. Plot armor.  It’s as stupid as Bronn and Jaime, dressed in full armor, NOT drowning and who can apparently hold their breath for hours underwater.

better jon-survives

Jon, who’s wearing TONS OF CLOTHES THAT WILL SOAK UP WATER, apparently fights off wights, WHO DON’T NEED TO BREATHE UNDERWATER, and he can hold his breath under FREEZING water forever and can inexplicably swim back up to the surface even though his clothes would totally weigh him down?

Why do the writers keep pulling this “Oh, Jon might be dead!” crap when WE ALL KNOW HE’S NOT DYING EVER???  It was dumb in the Battle of the Bastards, and it’s dumb here.

UGH.

DEUS EX BENJEN

Jon should have died.  Did he die?  He stumbles around loudly like a dumbass to make the wights turn and come after him and CONVENIENTLY OH HERE COMES UNCLE BENJEN.

game-of-thrones-benjen

Here’s an idea.  At LEAST have it be Benjen who pulls Jon out of the water.  Jon being able to swim to the top with heavy, heavy clothing and  dead wights holding him down is just the dumbest of plot armor.

So was he just standing behind a tree the whole time?? He puts Jon on his horse and Jon say’s “there’s no time.” No time to what?  Jump on a horse?

Why couldn’t he also get on the horse who seems to probably be a magical horse too?

Here’s more info on Benjen and how he’s dead but not quite, how he’s almost a wight but not quite because the Children of the Forest pushed dragonglass into him to keep him from changing.  Apparently dragon glass can create a night’s King, kill wights and the generals and also STOP a man from turning into a wight??

https://www.thrillist.com/entertainment/nation/game-of-thrones-season-7-spoilers-uncle-benjen-stark

So, “What the fuck Uncle Benjen??”  Then, “OK.  Bye Uncle Benjen!” If Benjen is truly dead, what a lame exit.

ON THE SHIP NOT SHIPPING THESE TWO AT ALL

Why isn’t Dany flying the dragons home?

Why didn’t Jon bend the knee sooner?  Dany hasn’t changed from the last few episodes when he saw she was good and legit, why now?  Why not before?  Was it Tormund reminding him what Mance’s pride resulted in?

Why would Jon call Daenerys “Dany” when he has zero reference for that?  He jumps to that nickname out of thin air. Fanservice?

dany sees jons wounds

It’s the first time we’ve seen Dany be really vulnerable, and I like that a lot. She knows there’s a force stronger than her dragons and she saw the giant army of dead people.

Dany says of Jon’s bending the knee, “I hope I deserve it.”  That’s the sign of a true leader. Cersei would NEVER say that.

DanySmileholdjonhand-1
Incest hands.

NOTE:  I really love that the Hound, the most cynical of them all, has seen a dead army, Night’s King, and rode on a fucking dragon.  Love it.

NOTE 2:  I feel really bad for Rhaegal and Drogon for losing their brother.  I guess now we don’t have to worry about 3 riders.  It’s just Jon and Dany, unless Bran wargs into Viserion.  UNLESS Bran’s not also the Night’s King.

ICE ICE DRAGON BABY

Out of nowhere, the Night’s King has some aircraft carrier chains.  I guess that’s why they’ve been walking so fucking slow.  Did they get them at Hardhome Depot? (<- A few people made that joke online, so I can’t take credit.  It’s awesome!)

I ask again, WHERE ARE THE GIANTS AND MAMMOTHS??  Also, I guess the wights just went underwater and knew exactly how to wrap a dragon with chains?  How did they even get the chains under a heavy dragon?

The dragon’s eye changes to blue, it’s kinda cool I guess, but it’s totally expected because we’ve already seen that before.  I know the showrunners probably can’t think of a detail that far ahead, but we saw the Night’s King touch one of Craster’s babies and saw it’s eyes turn blue.  Though now that I think about it, why would they turn a baby?  Do they grow after they’ve been turned?  I doubt it.

baby blueshe-others-white-walkers
Ice ice baby.
DragonUpwithchains
Were the giants and mammoths on vacation?

Viserion’s eye turning blue would have been much more exciting had we never seen that baby scene and saw it here for the FIRST time, when an incredibly, game-changing creature got turned.

viserion-eyeball
Ice dragon or wight dragon?

Will it breathe ice?  Since it doesn’t breathe, though, can it breathe anything?

Is it an ICE dragon or is it a WIGHT dragon?  If it’s a wight dragon, maybe Wight Viserion, Wightserion, will still breathe fire and thus melt part of The Wall?

I don’t have high hopes for next week’s big summit.  I really hope they don’t fuck it up like they did this episode.

STRAYS

– I’m sure Jorah was SO happy to see Jon arrive back at the wall.

-Jon’s plot armor is now beyond stupid.  Also, let’s remember he was brought back to life and is literally the same person just more brooding.   No changes or consequences for his death and resurrection.  LAME.

– Where the fuck is Bran?  Blowing his weirwood trees??

-For some reason, with zero knowledge, Beric Dondarron, aka, the muot dulcet voice in Westeros, tells Jon if he kills the night’s King he’ll kill them all. How does he know that?  Is the Night’s King just basically the head vampire?

– Gendry’s rowing must have helped his cardio so much he became an Olympic winter/ice marathon runner.

– People keep saying they have to rush things because of budgetary constraints.  My question is why?  This is HBOs biggest watercooler show (arguably) ever.  Give it the budget is needs.

– Where are the women writers and directors?

-What would winning mean to the Night’s King?  He would just rule a world of dead, dumb zombies, and then what?  There has to be another end game for him.

-What kills the Night’s King? What will kill the ice dragon?  Will Sam find out?  Since he stupidly left the Citadel in a huff, how can he? I hope Jim Broadbent isn’t gone forever.

-Bran knew what was happening.  It would have been smarter to have Bran see what was happening and message Dany.  Or have Bran warg into Viserion, then Dany and Rhaegal would be forced to follow him and that’s how they get to the fight? <- That’s a much better idea.

-Then Bran fucks it up, as he seems to be fucking up everything.

-To reiterate, time travel isn’t important but it is when there’s stakes involved.  They would have frozen to death over night.  Tormund himself says the key is to keep moving.

-Since only a Targayen (presumably) can fly a dragon,  does making it an ice (or wight) dragon remove that rule?

-Please fucking kill Littlefinger.  He’s not needed.  Sansa has the Catspaw dagger,  which probably belongs to Littlefinger, which help start this whole thing.  Hopefully she kills him.

-How did  Dany know how to get to Eastwatch and then just HAPPEN to be able to find them?

-They got to Eastwatch is stupid record time. It’s about 2,000 miles.  Does Dany have superhuman strength to hold on to Drogon as he (apparently) flies at the equivalent of airplane speed for hours and hours and hours with improper clothing and no food or bathroom breaks?  No mask even?

-If Bran doesn’t update them on Cersei before they go there next week, I’ll be pissed.  The writers have a person who knows everything that has and is happening, Cersei’s wildfire, plotting, etc., and they don’t know what the fuck to do with him.  So they don’t do anything at all, and it’s just so ridiculous.

-They should take Bran with them.  He should insist on going. It would be stupid for him not to be there.

EXTRA!  Here’s a link to my absolute favorite Game of Thrones recap.
http://blacknerdproblems.com/game-of-thrones-recap-beyond-the-wall/

Rating:

Visuals: 10
Dialogue between the men as they walked: 10
Rest of the Beyond the Wall story: 4 (for zero logic)
Arya/Sansa story: -1
Sansa confiding in Littlefinger AND sending Brienne away: -2

Because it’s Game of Thrones and still the best show over all other shows:
Bumped up to 7.3


 

 

Game of Thrones S7:E5 “Eastwatch”

Game of Thrones S7:E5 “Eastwatch”

There were moments I REALLY loved, other moments I felt were really forced just to create drama, others that weren’t logical, and some that just pissed me off.

We get Eastwatch-by-the-Sea in the opening credits.

eatwtach 3

 

Couldn’t the Night’s King and Army of the Dead just scooch around the end of the wall there?  Anyhoo, I hear it’s beautiful in the fall.

The White Walkers should be called White Strollers or White Shufflers, because they’re taking FOREVER to get to The Wall.  I mean, Meera dragged cripple Bran for, apparently, 10,000 miles and still beat them back to The Wall by a good margin.  Davos went from Dragonstone to King’s Landing to Eastwatch in ONE EPISODE.  I’m letting go of the time traveling, I WANT the story to move, but sometimes it’s hard not to notice.

Best news:  DROGON IS OK!!  I guess a little TLC, antibiotics and some prednisone works wonders.

drogon cone
GOOD BOY!!!

BRONN IS A JUNIOR LIFEGUARD??

There’s NO FUCKING WAY Bronn and Jaime could logically swim away.  No way in hell. There’s also no way that Bronn, who had on a full leather outfit and boots, could drag Jaime, who has a SOLID GOLD HAND and let’s say a MINIMUM of 30 pounds of leather and armor and huge riding boots on, could not only NOT pull himself that far, but also NOT pull Jaime UNDERWATER (apparently) that far.

I had extensive lifeguard training as a teenager, and for one test you have to jump in the water fully clothed with shoes, socks, jeans, and a long sleeve shirt.  Even in THAT, minus leather, armor and heavy riding boots that would fill with water, makes it a challenge to even tread water.

bronn and jaime walk water
Bullshit.
bronn ajime out of waterjpg
Double bullshit.

Look, we all knew Jaime wasn’t going to die, and even though I didn’t care if he did because I’m over him being passive, but that was really lame.  He fell in the lake RIGHT BY Daenerys and hundreds of Dothraki and she didn’t order anyone to jump in and get him?  Tyrion saw him and didn’t tell someone to jump in?  He’d be the BIGGEST bargaingin chip ever! That was so much unbelievable bullshit.

bronn partnership endsbronn you're fucked

Speaking of Tyrion, he’s walking the battlefield, having a hard time looking at all the sliced up and roasted Lannister army, you know, what happens in ACTUAL WAR, not the WUSSY shit he was trying to plan.

tyrion walks battlefield
FIND YOUR BALL SACK, GRAB IT, AND GET WITH THE PROGRAM!!

Hey Tyrion!  NUT UP!! THIS IS WAR!! Get with the program!

CONGRATULATIONS SAM!! YOU WIN HORN HILL!!

Horn_Hill_highres
I’d kill Dad and brother in a heartbeat to get those digs for myself.

Again, I don’t want to hear how Daenerys is like Cersei.  She HAD to send a message, she’s fighting an opponent who will do ANYTHING to win.  Tyrion was trying to NOT kill that many people, especially Jaime, and hope he’d win.  You can’t win a flaccid war of attrition.

If you told Cersei she had to chew off her own arm to win the Iron Throne, she’d say, “Bring me some fucking toothpicks and goddamn Aquafresh,” and she’d GET TO CHEWING!

When Dad Asshole Randyll Tarly said to Daenerys, “Fuck you, you’re a foreigner invader, and Brexit, and birtherism, and blah, blah, blah,” and Dumb Dickon said, “Oh wait! Me too just because I can’t live with this name anymore.”  What was she supposed to do?? You have to follow through on what you say.

dany drogon top of showgallery-1502714639-rickon-dead

BYE Shitty Dad Tarly and dumb Dickhead!

NOTE:  After the Lannister army saw the Dothraki fight AND Drogon wreak havoc burngin shit, why wasn’t that enough to bend the knee ALREADY??  It shouldn’t have taken ANOTHER roasting by Drogon to get them to do it.

NOTE 2:  If a hot, young woman WITH A DRAGON which only adds to her hotness, stood in front of me and said, “Bend the knee or die.”  I’d say, “No problemo!! How low?” (That’s what she said).

NOTE 3:  I LOVE the Dothraki guyliner game.

VARYS IS PISSING ME OFF AND MAKING ME NERVOUS

I understand Varys CAN’T grab his balls to NUT UP because he doesn’t have any, but I don’t like this, “Yeah, but she didn’t have to burn them.  I’m worried she’ll turn into her father ” NO SHE WON’T.  She gave them a choice.  Follow her, she won’t put them in chains or be a shitty leader, bend the knee, or die.

NOTE:  The Mad King Aerys went mad because he kept hearing voices.  I think those voices were the 3-Eyed-Raven.  I specualate whether Bran drove the Mad King mad.

Varys drinks wine

 

I’m with Leslie Jones that Varys is super shady.  He’s still not telling us something.

DON’T WORRY – CERSEI WILL NEVER LIVE TO SEE THAT 4TH BABY

Cersei is void of all emotion.  She’s dead.  Her eyes only show her constant scheming, hating, revenge-planning.

Jaime came right in and told her, “This isn’t a war we can win.”  Cersei ignored it then tried to “fake news” Lady Olenna’s confession, but Jaime told her, would you rather want your granddaughter to marry Joffrey or Tommen?  Still, the only thing she could think of that it was a mistake letting Lady O die without pain.  Fucking crazy.

She said she would rather fight than die than submit and die.  She doesn’t care who she takes down with her.  If she goes, she wants to bring all her enemies and anyone who gets in the way down with her.  More fucking crazy.

Jaime looked at her liked he knew she was GONE.  Like, OK, the bitch is crazy.

I got happy for one second because FINALLY I thought Jaime was going to do some nutting up himself.

cersei jaime looks she's crazy
There is NO LOVE in those eyes.  A doll’s eyes.

 

Then the fucking bomb dropped.  As soon as I heard Qyburn ask her if she “wanted to take something for it.”  In my notes I wrote, “THAT BITCH IS FUCKING PREGNANT!”  Yes, I do think she’s pregnant and not lying.

cersei-jaime-pregnant

 

I can’t believe Jaime is fully happy about this.  I think he thinks that this will make Cersei stop being so crazy.  Cersei, will NOT stop being crazy, but she’s going to try to find a way to get close to Dany and try to kill her.

The prophecy Cersei got from Maggie the Frog said:

Cersei: Will the king and I have children?
Maggy: Oh, aye. Six-and-ten for him, and three for you. Gold shall be their crowns and gold their shrouds, she said. And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you.

Cersei had her three kids.  Either Jaime will kill pregnant Cersei, Arya as Jaime will kill Cersei, or Cersei will die in childbirth like her mother.  In that case the kid could still live, and maybe Jaime could finally be an actual father, something he never got to do with the other three.

Now that I think about it, Jaime would be fine with bending the knee to Daenerys and just living out his life on Casterly Rock being a single dad.

DROGON SMELLS JON’S AXE BODY SPRAY OR HIS TARGARYEN BLOOD

First, I can’t believe that Jon didn’t shit his pants a little.  Second, when Daenerys saw Dragon actually RUN UP TO JON ON HIS OWN, she trusted him completely, and wanted to jump her nephew’s dick.

Drogon even closed his eyes.  That’s complete trust.  Jon’s gonna be on a dragon soon.

It’s like when I have someone over (note: I never, ever have people over), and my cat Claire lets someone pet her, I trust them. Of course in the next second she claws their skin off, but for that brief moment it’s like, “AW!  If Claire likes them then they must be good people!”

IMG_1056
Claire would cut a bitch if she gave any fucks at all!! Which she doesn’t!!

Daenerys now unequivocally trusts Jon,  and it turns out all Dragon wanted was some scratchies!!  Good boy!!

FRIENDZONING AND COCKBLOCKING 

Here’s shit I hate.  Dany asks Jon about what Davos meant when he said Jon died for his men.  WHY NOT TELL HER YOU CAME BACK TO LIFE?? This is so stupid!!  I’ve asked everyone to give me a reason why he won’t tell her, and no one has one.  I hate when people get conveniently interrupted so they don’t have to answer important shit.

This time the interruption cockblock is none other than Ser Friendzone Jorah Mormont!!!

dany hugs jorah
Checking out the competition.

He’s got a new spiffy outfit, looking UN-greyscaled as fuck, and Daenerys is VERY happy to see him.  Let me repeat, she’s happy to see him, she’s not in love with him.  Also, she’s not in love with him because he’s OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE FATHERED HER THAT WASN’T THE RESULT OF AN ACCIDENTAL TEEN PREGNANCY!!

Then the eyeballing between Jon and Jorah begins as Dany hugs Jorah.  I’ve NEVER seen Daenerys hug anyone, have you?  It was really sweet. Obviously Jorah is still in love with her, but it’s never going to happen.  I’m glad he’s there.  She needs him.

Jon of course loved and respected Jorah’s father Jeor, but note that Jorah said nothing about Ned Stark.  Back in the day, Jorah, to fund his wife’s extravagant lifestyle, sold poachers to slave traders, which is illegal in the Seven Kingdoms.  Ned Stark, as Hand to the King Robert Baratheon, sentenced him to death, but Jorah fled and went into exile.  I guess he wanted to leave that little tidbit out.

 

Also, I can’t wait until Jorah tells Jon who cured him.  I love these fun moments of connections, especially ones you don’t even think about.

There’s so many little connections happening in this episode, it’s fun!

BRAN NEEDS TO STOP FUCKING HIS TREES AND PAY ATTENTION TO LITTLEFINGER

Bran wargs into ravens to check out where the Night’s King is.  By the way, a group of ravens is called an “unkindness” or “conspiracy.”  Think about that for a minute.

bran wargnight's king looks up at raven
The Night’s King is a Stark.  I just know it.  He is connected to Bran AND to Jon.   We’re going to find out about the history of that majestic motherfucker one day, and I can’t wait.

Also, I wonder if he can talk??  I hope he does.

 

THE MAESTERS ARE APPARENTLY ALL FUCKING MORONS

Bran sends ravens to everyone telling them about the Army of the Dead.  Which, come on Bran, who the fuck is going believe that??

Side note: WHY CAN’T HE SEND A GODDAMN RAVEN TO TELL JON WHO HIS PARENTS ARE???

The supposed smartest men in the world are all, “Ahaha!! Army of the Dead?? Night’s King?? That so fucking stupid that even though a respected maester sent us this, and that dragons exist again, there’s NO WAY THIS IS TRUE!! HAHAHA!!”

I hate that dumb cliché where everyone ignores the most vital information outright.  IT’S A LAZY WRITING CHOICE!!

Sam hates it so much that he completely ignores Gilly when she REVEALED THE BIGGEST NEWS OF THE FUCKING SERIES!!  I knew this information was at the Citadel, I’ve said it many times, but to reveal it this way, meh.

sam gilly 1sam gilly 2sam gilly 3sam gilly 4

Sam’s all caught up in his woe is me, and he even hands the book over to the kid.  YOU KNOW WHAT 2-YEAR–OLDS DO TO BOOKS??

Sam steals a few random books and scrolls from the library. Um, how the fuck did he know if those were the right ones to take?  Then he packs up and leaves his graduate studies after only curing Jorah, and otherwise learning JACK Q SHIT.

Why the hell was he at the Citadel? What a waste of fucking time to take him there only  to have him leave in a huff with random scrolls and books.  If those books just HAPPEN to tell him who the Night’s King is or how to kill him, I’ll lose my damn mind.

Him leaving bugged the shit out of me, if you couldn’t tell.  ALL the information about EVERYTHING is there, including how to defeat the Night’s King, THE ONLY THING THAT’S IMPORTANT OVER EVERYTHING ELSE EVER!!

It’s also stupid that Professor Slughorn wouldn’t tell him his Dad and brother were killed.  I hope that doesn’t create some forced rift between him and Jon when he finds out that Jon is on Daenerys side and she fried his family, even though he hates his dad, but he probably was OK with Dickhead.

Now, however, he has what his father said he would never get, to become the Lord of Horn Hill, WITH that sweet Valyrian steel sword mind you.

NOTE:  At least Professor Slughorn seemed willing to at least listen.  I expect we’ll see him again at some point.  You don’t cast Jim Broadbent and only use him a little bit. At least I hope they don’t.

ARYA IS A DICK AND IT’S FORCED AND IT’S SO FUCKING DUMB

This is the section that really pissed me off.  First, Jon is gone for basically 24 hours and the Lords of the North are already bitching.  What a bunch of whiny asses.  What’s good is that Sansa didn’t undermine Jon, even though she might have wanted to.

Here’s an idea Arya and Sansa, SIT THE FUCK DOWN FOR BREAKFAST AND TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED OVER THE LAST 5 YEARS!!!

aryan and sansa

Seriously.  I hate this writing.  I feel like the writers are saying, “Yeah, we can’t have everyone love Arya’s character all the time, so let’s make her a dick to her sister she hasn’t seen in 5 years, because we need something for Littlefinger to do other than give pedo/creepy looks all the time.”

Arya thinks Sansa is the same girl from when she last saw her in season 1, which is so fucking stupid because Arya KNOWS how different her own experiences made her and how she’s not that same girl from back then either.  Arya had to do a bunch of shit to survive, including murdering a bunch of people.  Wouldn’t she think Sansa went through a lot of shit and had to do whatever she had to in order to survive too??

Let me help, “Arya, I had to escape after dad was murdered, pretended to be a boy, was Tywin’s fucking cup bearer, traveled with the Hound, who actually is a good guy once you get to know him.  I mean, a fucking asshole, but a good guy.”

Sansa, “Oh shit.  The Hound helped me too!”

Arya, “Yeah!  I also killed the fuck out of people, then trained to become a Faceless Assassin.  Also, all the Freys fucks are dead because I Faceless Assassinated them!!

Sansa, “OMG!! That was you?? Thank you so much for killing them!!  I was forced to marry Ramsey Bolton and got raped over and over and over and over.”

SILENCE.  Sansa’s wins the “You think YOU had it tough…” award.”

ALSO, with Arya’s Faceless Man assassin skills, and her experience with the Hound just about real world shit, if it’s THAT EASY for Littlefinger to fool her and create this FORCED rift between her and Sansa, I’m going to be so pissed.

What’s on that damn scroll???

Everyone trying to read that fucking scroll!!

It was the scroll that Cersei forced Sansa to write and sign, that Littlefinger also pressured Sansa to sign, to tell Rob to stop bringing his army to overthrow Joffrey, and in return they’d keep her Dad, Ned, alive.

https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2017/08/game-of-thrones-sansa-letter-arya-season-7-episode-5-eastwatch

cersei forces sansa

Is Arya going to be all, “Hmm. 5 or however the fuck long years ago, a very young and naive Sansa was surely best friends with Cersei, and  happily became a traitor, and I 100% believe that, and I’m definitely NOT going to ask her about it!!”

Also, why is she accusing of Sansa wanting to rule Winterfell?? SHE’S THE OLDEST SISTER!!! She has every fucking right to rule Winterfell, and she’s got a shit ton of experience, and she’s actually doing a great job. She’s actually worried about the MOST important thing when you don’t know how long winter is going to be – FOOD.

If Arya is fooled that easily, I will be so pissed.

TYRION AND JAIME

images

Tyrion can’t be trusted to be strong because the love of his brother compromises him.  I don’t think Daenerys will die, but Tyrion is going to do something stupid in a weak moment to make that almost happen, or fuck shit up somehow.

Jaime can’t be trusted because now he’ll do anything to protect Cersei and his genetically compromised baby, and that means he’ll fuck over Tyrion if he has to.

Did anyone believe that Cersei would have let that meeting happen and NOT have Tyrion killed??  I didn’t buy that. At all.  Did she let it happen because she knows she can’t win so she’s going to use both of them to try to assassinate Daenerys somehow?

Also, I think Bronn is probably going to end up at Dragonstone. He can’t stay in King’s Landing anymore.

I FINALLY FOUND MY BOY GENDRY!!!

Davos time-travels to King’s Landing to smuggle Tyrion in, with his secondary mission to find THIS FUCKING GUY!!

gendry for the end
All that rowing and fish did the trick.

I love everything about Davos finding Gendry, who’s apparently gone paleo and slimmed down.  Davos thinks of him as a surrogate son, but he knows they’ll need a good smith, and Gendry might know how to forge Valyrian steel. If Gendry does end up in Winterfell, it could be a fun Arya/Gendry reunion!  Although I like him better with Sansa.

Now that I think about it, it would make sense if Gendry ended up with Sansa, because that’s what Robert Baratheon told Ned, that his son and Sansa should marry and they would combine houses.

Robert son-daughter-houses

This would make sense, since they’re making the relationship between Jon and Gendry exactly like the Ned/Robert dynamic.

game-of-thrones-gendry-revealbetter
HI BUDDY!!

I also loved the fan service of this!

Davos still be Rowing-08142017

Davos is thinking he’ll have to convince him to leave and Gendry’s all, “YEPIMREADYLETSGO!!”

gendry_he_ready

Then he grabs a fucking man’s hammer, just like his daddy used to prefer.

gendry-hammer.gif

Then he does this.

gendry-hammer kill

 

 

DAVOS TELEPORTS BACK TO DRAGONSTONE AND THEN THEY COME UP WITH THE MOST STUPID FUCKING PLAN EVER

First Gendry meets Jon and they instantly become the younger version of Robert and Ned, which I’m into. Why didn’t he tell Jon he also knew Arya??

Davos-Live-08142017jon-gendry-ned-robert

Then the stupidest plan ever unfolds.

Jon thinks they need to bring a wight back to prove to Cersei, and Daenerys a little bit, that the Army of the Dead is real.

davos jon at big table
I’m King!! I have a dumb plan!!

THIS IS SO FUCKING DUMB!

Jon, who is really slacking on his King of the North obligations, is going to be the big moody, hero and do it himself.  Also dumb!!

Jorah volunteers.  Say what you will about Jorah, that due has NADS the size of Middle Earth.  He hears Army of the Dead, let’s grab one, and “sure, I’ll go.”

They all agree to the dumbest plan ever and off they go.  Oh, and the little reunion between Tyrion and Jorah with the slaver’s coin was really sweet.

This is a FOND FAREWELL.

dany jorah friendzone
Jorah, “I love you.”   Daenerys, “I know. K bye.”

This is “When you want to fuck the shit out of the other person, so as a result, you can’t touch at all” farewell.

TELEPORT TO EASTWATCH. DO THEY EVEN BRING ANY DRAGONGLASS???

Oh Tormund!! Please never, ever, ever change big guy.  “Isn’t it your fucking job to talk him out of stupid fucking ideas like this?”

tormund the big womantormund how many queens

tormund 2 queens

This multi-layered reunion between Jon, Gendry who hates Thoros of Myr and Beric Dondarrion for selling him to Melisandre, Jorah knows Thoros (who fought with him during Balon Greyjoy’s first rebellion), Tormund hates Jorah, because his dad Jeor killed Wildlings.  It’s a nice bunch.  I hope we get to see The Hound tell Jon how he helped save Sansa and took care of Arya for so long.

So this stupid plan.  What do they think they’re going to do???  Grab a fucking Wight while it’s sitting off to the side, alone, having lunch??  THEY TRAVEL IN AN ARMY.  THEY’RE CALLED, LITERALLY, THE “ARMY” OF THE DEAD!!

It’s seriously stupid.  The ENTIRE INTERNET thinks this is fucking stupid.

 

 

 

THE MAGNIFICENT, YET STUPID, SEVEN

Do they all have Valyrian steel?  Do they have a shit ton of dragonglass??

Anyone but Jon could die.  I don’t think they’ll kill Jorah right after he comes back, or Gendry.  Beric, we need to know what powers he has and why that damn sword lights on fire.

beric torch light up

The Hound is definitely going to make it.  Tormund could die, but I REALLY think we need him and Big Brienne the Virgin to hook up to complete at least her story.

I think drunkard Thoros of Myr will die, and then Beric, since he’s almost lost all of himself with all his resurrections, will basically sacrifice his last life to become the wight they take back.

Go get ’em you brave, dumb bastards!!

best magnificent 7mag seven goes past the gate

mountain-arrowhead
This is the “mountain shaped like an arrowhead” The Hound saw in the fire.

 

END NOTE:  For all of you who want Jaime to live, or think that “deep down he’s a good guy.”  Don’t forget that he did this.

jaime pushes bran

Jaime is definitely NOT a good person.

Rating:

9.2. Really forced writing in places, and some moments were was really, really rushed.

Can we also get some female writers and directors on this show??

Game of Thrones S7:E4 “The Spoils of War”

Game of Thrones S7:E4 “The Spoils of War”

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGBRGBRIEOWOSITLEITSNRGHRPANGHIERBEGHFHDHB!!!

IT.  WAS. SO. AMAZING. I. LOST. MY. DAMN. MIND!!!!

HOLY SHIT!!!

This episode gave me everything I ever wanted and even things I didn’t even know I needed!  Epic Drogon/Dothraki battle scene?? Ayra and Brienne fight??   WHY YES PLEASE MAY I HAVE SOME MORE KIND SIR???!!!!

That was right up there with Hardhome, which I’d considered to be the best episode, but this  definitely tied or maybe even topped it.

MAIN CONCERN: PLEASE LET DROGON BE OK!!!

JON TRIES HIS CAVE MOVES ON DAENERYS

First, it was nice to see a small, human moment between Dany and Missandei as they were about to gossip about boys.  This is one of the things that separates Daenerys from Cersei.

I keep seeing everywhere people comparing Daenerys to Cersei, as if they are somehow the same, and it drives me crazy.  They are not the same.

Cersei is NOT a good person. Sure, she didn’t get love from her Daddy, and she had no mother, but she’s a very bad person.  She is mean.  She is vindictive.  She does not have good in her heart.

Daenerys, on the other hand, has empathy.  She wants to help people, she wants to lead the right way, FOR the people.  Her people choose to follow her, whereas Cersei doesn’t give a shit if her subjects want to follow her or not, because Cersei is all about Cersei.  Cersei certainly won’t have a vulnerable, giggly moment talking with her female advisor about her hot hook up with Grey Worm.

Daenerys-Missandei-Spoils-of-War-2
He went down on you for HOW LONG????

Yes, Daenerys will use strength if it’s absolutely necessary, as we’ll of course see, but she’s got a good heart, as Jon quickly noticed, and Davos, who apparently is working new material for a stand up career after this is all over, notices him noticing.

davos to jon staring at good heart

And was Davos flirting with Missandei?  Because gross, grandpa, stay in your lane.

Jon takes Daenerys into the cave to show her the dragonglass, which had me worried because we know what happens when Jon takes a woman to a cave…he goes down on her stalagmite.

jon goes down

jon dany in cave
Can you feel the sexy?

Let me just say this.  It’s clear these two like each other, or they sense something familiar with the other, but PLEASE don’t let them hook up! We already have one incestual relationship on the show, we don’t need another.  I’m hoping Jon finds out who he is before anything happens.  No.  Not shipping these two.  No and no.

game-thrones-spoils-war-drawings
Let me show you these cave drawings to give our audience a background reminder.

OH LOOK, here’s some too-convenient cave drawings made by the Children of the Corn Forest.  I thought those drawings were a corny device, and how did they find the perfect blue for the White Walkers’ eyes?

Anyhoo…here’s a little background of the Children of the Forest.

Before the Wall was built by Brandon the Builder (who I think is also our current creepy Bran, who is also the Old version of the 3-Eyed-Raven as well), the Children of the Forest lived a peaceful existence until the First Men arrived.  Below is a nice explanation by Mashable.
http://mashable.com/2017/08/07/children-of-the-forest-game-of-thrones/

children and meera.jpg
Meera –  the new, unappreciated Hodor

Basically, the First Men arrived and began building huts, towns, etc, by cutting down not only the forests for wood, but their sacred weirwood trees, and that’s when the Children declared war on the First Men.  They weren’t strong enough to beat the Men, so they used their magic to create the Night’s King (possibly also a Stark, here’s a great article about that theory too!!)
https://winteriscoming.net/2015/06/02/who-is-the-nights-king-a-brief-history-of-the-others/)

 

leaf-makes-white-walkers
Ow…then WOW!

The Creepiest of the Children shoved dragonglass into his heart and created the Night’s King not knowing exactly what power he would have, which, turns out, would be killing everyone to create a huge Army of the Dead.

The Children realized they were super fucked, so they teamed up with the First Men to defeat the Night’s King, and after that victory,  this is when Brandon the Builder built that majestic Wall with the help of giants and magic, to keep the White Walkers out forever.  Of course this is why dragonglass can kill White Walkers.  Can it kill the Night’s King?  Who knows?

WHAT ELSE IS UP WITH THE IRON BANK?

The Iron Bank can’t be JUST a bank dealing with loans, interest, debits and credits.  They’re making such a big deal of it, I think there must be something or someone else the Iron Bank works with behind the scenes.  Cersei intends to use the money to pay off their debts, but also to try to buy the Golden Company of Essos, a regiment of 10,000 sellswords/mercenaries.  She’s going to need them now that the bulk of the Lannister Army has been fried.

golden-company-essos

A GIRL IS ARYA STARK OF WINTERFELL

Thank you showrunners for bringing Arya back to Winterfell and not have her change her mind and go to King’s Landing.

a girl is arya-is-going-home

Again, I have to say WHAT ARE THE FACELESS MAN RULES??  A person has to become No One to become a Faceless Man, but Arya never completely became No One, she was always Arya Stark.

I thought the whole incredibly incompetent guards at the gate but was too long. Also, are all the men of the North that fucking stupid?  I know they were harkening back to when Arya tried to come back into the gates of King’s Landing, but it was just a little much.

arya-kl-gates

Then there was the perfectly awkward, painful reunion between the sisters who didn’t like each other as kids, and have no idea who each other is now.

It’s fitting they met standing in front of Ned’s crypt statue, because that’s also the last time they were in the same place together, at King’s Landing watching their father’s head get chopped off.  That was in Season 1.  Think of how long these two have been apart and how much they’ve been through, with Sansa getting the worst of it.

arya sansa hug

Poor Meera gets outsourced by better tech when Bran FINALLY gets a wheelchair.  Meera is about to leave and go home, and is pissed when he just says “OK.  Thanks.”  I’m not sure why she’s mad when she was THERE when he was learning from the 3-Eyed-Raven, not to mention she had to drag him 900 miles, so she knew who he was.

got-704-meera-reed
Well, fuck you later too Bran!!

I don’t think this is the last of Meera Reed, (if it is, that was a crappy sendoff) who is the daughter of Howland Reed, who was there with Ned when he rescued baby Jon from the Tower of Joy.

howland reed ned

Howland is the only other person besides Bran who knows Jon parentage.  Will we see Howland?  Also, is Meera Jon’s twin?? Because they sure as hell look exactly alike.  It’s a long-shot to introduce something like that so late in the game, but who knows?

Bran is trying really hard to stay in the present, since he’s cycling through all of history in his mind, trying to understand and get control of his powers while trying not to get lost in his visions, as the Old 3-Eyed-Raven warned him not to.

While he’s being 3-Eyed-Bran, here comes creepy Littlefinger, who probably gives Bran the Catspaw Dagger to remind him of the worst thing that happened to him to try to get in there for some manipulation.

The only weapon Littlefinger has is mental manipulation.  He can’t fight, he wasn’t born of royal blood, so he uses his mind to fuck with other people’s minds.  Well, guess who’s the ONE person he can’t mindfuck? Mister Super Duper Mindfucker Of All Time Bran.   So when Bran found this little gem in his memory:

chaos-is-a-ladder-gif

Littlefinger doesn’t know the extent of Bran’s powers, but he knows that Bran just said something he should have never known, and he certainly pissed his pants a little.

Thank goodness Bran’s there to hopefully neutralize Littlefinger.

THEORY!!  Littlefinger knows he can no longer manipulate Sansa, assassin Arya, Jon, nor does want to be around creepy Bran.  What if he runs and takes the Knights of the Vale and joins Cersei???? They’re more suited for each other.  

So Littlefinger regifts the Catspaw Dagger to Bran.  This is the dagger the clumsy assassin used to try to kill the crippled Bran in his bed after his fall.  Whose dagger is it? Is it Littlefinger’s and he just lied and told Catelyn it was Tyrion Lannister’s to create the chaos he needs in order to operate?

Was it ever Tyrion’s?  Or did it belong to Cersei?  Such a big deal is made of this dagger, that it is now Chekov’s Dagger, and now that it is shown, it must be used.

littlefinger bran dagger

I keep going back and forth that in order to fulfill the prophecy of Maggie the Frog, where she told Cersei that her younger brother will kill her, it would either be real Jaime or Arya masked as Jaime.  Now that I think Jaime will probably be Daenerys’ prisoner, and now that Arya has (Cersei’s) Catspaw Dagger, AND since Bran also dropped that he knew Arya’s list was real and that Cersei was on it when he gave her the dagger, I think Arya as Jaime will bring that dagger that started this whole thing full circle and kill Cersei with it.

bran gives arya dagger

BRIENNE AND ARYA FRIENDZ FOR EVA!!

This is the reunion that literally never occured to me that I needed so bad!!! THIS IS EVERYTHING AND I’M STILL NOT OVER IT!!

Fucking Brienne and Arya.  Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes.

As Brienne takes her MASSIVE sexual frustration out on poor Podrick, in walks little  Arya Stark.  Her, “I haven’t trained in a while,” was smooth baiting.

We haven’t ever seen Arya fight, and DAMN, would Syrio Forel be proud.  His student has surpassed the teacher and has learned the Water Dance.

arya-brienne-syrio

There’s not much I can say about this fight, except that it was amazing and satisfying in ways I never imagined.  Brienne needs to learn from Arya, the old way of fighting with the clunky giant sword and armor is a thing of the past.

gallery-1502113474-arya-brienne beginning-fightarya gets up off backarya brienne end

For the first time, Brienne has been beaten. For the first time, she now has something new to learn about fighting.

What was that look from Sansa to Arya?  Was it jealousy?  If they create some bullshit rift between Arya and Sansa I’ll be pissed.  Here’s some great art showing how Sansa probably feels.

DGmE8-OW0AA_1JD.jpg-large

HOWEVER, in the end let’s remember, Arya now has VALYRIAN STEEL.

PISSED DAENERYS IS THE MOST FUN DAENERYS!!

Dany emerges from her spelunking with Jon to find that Cersei/Euron destroyed most of their ships and tricked/beat them at Casterly Rock.

Oh, and this reunion that I totally didn’t think about, that Theon grew up with the Stark boys, fucked them over, then helped save Sansa. That’s more water under the bridge than all the seas Theon has sailed.

jon theon
My dick would shrivel if I had one.

I love that Daenerys got mad at Tyrion for his tepid war plans.  I knew I didn’t like his plan for some reason, and it was because it was a “nice” plan, a “sweet” plan of taking over a place that no one really cared about (Casterly Rock), and a siege, where hopefully no one would die.

I also love that Dany asked Jon for his advice, which turned out to be very wise (“If you melt cities and burn castles, you’re more of the same.”), and showed that she trusts him.  Dany then accused Tyrion of not wanting to hurt his family after all, and I thought, “Yes!  THAT’S what he’s doing. He doesn’t really want to kill his family. Cersei, maybe, but he doesn’t want to kill Jaime, whom he loves.”

He was trying to make a plan that wouldn’t kill Jaime, and it lost them a large chunk of their armies and ships.

Daenerys is right.

And here we go!!!

LANNISTER ARMY MARCHES SUPER SLOW AND LAZY BACK TO KING’S LANDING

Jaime, Bronn, Asshole Dad Tarly, and Dickhead Tarly head back to King’s Landing with the gold to pay the Iron Bank, and the food stores and grain to hold out against a long seige, or a long fight, and the long winter, though they don’t know the true LONG WINTER that’s coming.

And when I saw the Lannister army just lounging around, talking about how they were strung out really thin, I thought, “Oh shit, it’s about to go down.”

bronn jaime holy-shit

Remember the words of Robert Baratheon-

robert baratheon quote

The ground rumbling in the distance.  I’ll use my actual notes to tell the story.

 

-OH FUCK YEAH!!  OH SHIT THIS IS SO INCREDIBLE!!!!!!  AHHHHHH!!!

drogon and dothraki

-The fucking Dothraki!!!!  I hate seeing horses die.  But I think the Dothraki needed a good fight.
-Dothraki can stand on their horses and shoot.  They are motherfucking HORSE RIDERS!!!

side viewT2-30-Dothraki-and-Dany-and-Drogon-charge

dothraki stand on horse

-SHE’S FUCKING ROASTING THE WHOLE LINE!!!!

-Real arrows just bounce right off.

-Dany looks fucking HOT. THIS IS WHO SHE IS!!!!!

-Why don’t they run???  Is Jaime just really stupid??

-Why do they conveniently have Qyburn’s Scorpion? Has Bronn even worked it before?
-That’s bullshit that he can work that thing AND hit Drogon.

bronn dragon-killer

-BALLER move cutting off the horses legs of Bronn’s horse.   (sad for the horse tho)

-Tyron still worried about Jaime down there.

-Uh, why is no one worried Jaime is going for Dany????

-NOT DROGON!!!!!!!  Will he heal?  Now they know they have the big arrow.  But WHY did they conveniently have it with them????  Was it poisoned????

-OH!! Will they take him captive then Jaime takes Daenerys side????

– Yes.  Jaime is a great fighter but DUMB to do this.  Also, the dragonfire would have melted them.  You can’t JUST BARELY get out of the way of dragonfire and not melt.

GoT-T2-26-Jaime-chargestyrion jaime-idiotjaime-tiltjaime-fall in water
-Why is that lake so deep?

jaime-drown

-OH MY GOD I HAVE A HEADACHE IT WAS SO GOOD.  I NEED A NAP

DROGON BETTER NOT DIE!!!!!

I doubt that Jaime is dead.  It seems that he should be captured and become Daenerys prisoner.

Also, many people thought it was Bronn who knocked Jamie off his horse.  I think it was Dickon.  I also found it unbelievable that Bronn would be such a hero like that.

Here’s something about Jaime.  He told Lady Olenna that his dad always said he was a slow learner.  This shows it.  You think you can “hold off” the Dothraki???  You charge toward a dragon?  It was always Tywin who was the master tactician when it came to war.  Jaime was just the pretty boy great fighter.  He’s not the smart guy, he’s the pretty boy who happened to be able to fight, and now he can’t even do that.

Did Lady Olenna get a raven off about the whereabouts of the Lannister army before she died?  How did Dany know EXACTLY where they’d be?  How on earth did the Dothraki get there so fast?  I know we need to move things along, and I don’t mind the travel time cut down, but geez, major time travel happening!

Some people are saying this move was just like a Cersei move.  IT WAS NOT.  Daenerys was getting beat and had no choice BUT to retaliate.  She did the right thing.  She’s a dragon, and she has to pick those moments when she must BE A DRAGON.

Rating:

10/10.  This episode was AMAZING.  I’m putting it, so far, as the best in the series.

Game of Thrones S7:E3 “The Queen’s Justice”

Game of Thrones S7:E3 “The Queen’s Justice”

NOTE:  I did not, nor will I, look at any of the spoilers that were hacked from the HBO site.  Whoever did that, you’re assholes, and no one thinks you’re cool.

THE LAST TARGARYEN(S)

I thought the mega-hyped Jon and Daenerys meeting was fine, but I wasn’t wowed by it.


A lot of people think Daenerys is cocky and arrogant.  She may have been at one time, but not now.  That list that Missandei listed?  Sure it took 39 hours to say, but Dany EARNED that list.  She was sold off and raped by Khal Drogo (don’t get me started how she then came to fall in love with him).  She’s learned every lesson, good and bad, of leadership on her journey from where she was pawned off to a Dothraki Lord to when she finally arrived a Dragonstone.  She was beloved, hated, betrayed, won, lost, and came through the fire a second time reborn in a firey victory.

Her motivation is first, yes, she feels the throne is her birthright, but second, she cares about being a great leader who is beloved, unlike Cersei who doesn’t give a shit about the people but just wants to win.

TzGr70gcTzaYFqLbbF96_Jon and Dany Meet
Brooding x 100.
(The production design on that throne is AMAZING!)

Of course she asked Jon to bend the knee, and of course I knew he wouldn’t.  Not because he wants the throne, but because squabbling over thrones isn’t important anymore, and because he simply doesn’t know Daenerys.  All he knows is that she’s a Targaryen (with 3 dragons!), and her insane father burned his grandfather and great uncle to death.  He also didn’t bend the knee because the writers need to keep some conflict between those two for now.

Daenerys of course asked him to bend the knee because she didn’t know if he was her enemy.  All she knew of him was that his (uncle) father, Ned, was side by side with Robert Baratheon who over threw her father The Mad King, and it was Robert who killed her brother Rheagar, though I’m not sure if she knows that?

She surprised Jon by asking, on behalf of the House Targaryen, for forgiveness for the crimes her father committed to Jon’s uncle and grandfather.  She asks to not judge a daughter by the sins of her father, which BOOM, she’s throwing Jon’s words he said to his own sister back at him.  Arrogant people don’t apologize.

If she were arrogant, she wouldn’t have a Lannister as her hand.  If she were close-minded, as soon as Jon said he wouldn’t bend the knee,  she would have cast them out and named them enemies of the Queen.  Instead, she allowed them to stay so she could think about what to do.

Dany is just confident from a lot of experience.  It’s an earned confidence, not some cockiness which only serves to mask huge insecurities.  Jon has earned his confidence too, the only difference is he has no desire to lead.

ee-last-targaryen-stark
How about we meet somewhere in the middle?
Jon’s pitch about the Army of Death and Night’s King SUCKED.  You’d think on the journey (whose boats did they use?), he would have worked it out with Davos, but it was really lame.

Jon, “Yeah, so there’s an Army of the Dead or whatever and this Night’s King so, um, anyway, the end.”

And WHY didn’t he want Davos to tell her that he was killed and came back to life?  I’ve been asking everyone, and no one can give me a good reason.

Tyrion is best at talking and diplomacy, not strategizing a war, the fact that he was responsible for a big part of the victory at Blackwater Bay notwithstanding.  Perhaps if Daenerys takes back the Lord of the Friendzone, Ser Jorah, back into the fold, he can help with this. They don’t have a war consigliere, and they really need one.  As Lady Olenna says of herself, her mistake in dealing with Cersei was a lack of imagination, which is where Daenerys and Tyrion find themselves.

T-man lightens the mood as only he can, and gives a wink to the audience with a comment on Jon’s brooding.

joke _Tyrion Brooding

Jon knows he needs Daenerys.  He also doesn’t really mind her wanting to be Queen, or care if he’s just Warden of the North, but he needs his men to stay with him, and he can’t bend the knee to a Targaryen just yet.  I wonder what will happen when his men find out he’s half Targaryen?  Will they still be loyal to him?

Daenerys also knows she needs Jon.  After getting totally fucked by Cersei, she knows she needs the men in the North. Also, I think she trusts Jon, and with three dragons flying overhead, it’s not hard to believe there also might be a bunch of dead human snowmen on their way.

Jon just strolls up to Daenerys who’s all by herself, totally unguarded (???), and she mentions the names of her dragons, one of whom is named after Jon’s dad, Rheagar.  I HOPE they reveal this in the next episode, let’s get it over with already!

DGB5v3nUMAAXM_g
“Hey.”  “Hey.” “So are we cool?” “For now.” “Cool.”
WHAT’S UP WITH THAT CRYPTIC SCENE BETWEEN VARYS AND MELISANDRE?

Varys was oddly vicious to Melisandre.  I know he hates all sorcery and magic, but it feels like there’s something there we don’t know.

And then Melisandre says this:

mel-varys

What does that mean?  How does she know she needed to bring Jon and Dany together?  What are her powers?  I mean, she’s been wrong before, REALLY wrong,  and she regrets her “mistake” (Shireen), of which she’s made many, so why does she seem so confident now?  Will we ever meet the actual Lord of Light??  Does she know when and how Varys will die? Does Varys know this himself?

When is that other Red Witch going to show up again?

kinvara

When Varys was castrated by a crazy sorcerer, he heard a voice in the flames.  I think in that voice Varys heard something terrible, possibly how he dies?  It seems both Melisandre and Kinvara know what the voice in the flames said, and, at minimum, Varys knows that they know.

Whatever was said, I think it’s the sole thing that drives Varys and informs every single decision he makes, it’s his big secret that will come out at a pivotal moment, and it’s why he hates all those Red Witches, hot as they are.

Melisandre is going back to Volantis, the headquarters of the Temple of the Lord of Light.   What is she going to do there?  AND HOW IS SHE TRAVELLING???  Does she turn into a raven (Oh!  That would be cool).

melisandre brought ice and fire together

Will the Red Witches join in the battle with the Dead?  Will Melisandre rally the citizens of Volantis to fight?

We’ll see Melisandre again, and Melisandre will see another certain person again, too.

arya melisandre

CERSEI’S PERFECT VICTORIES ARE ANNOYING AND EURON IS A CRAZY CLOWN

I know when this season started, Daenerys had the overwhelming advantage: The entire Dothraki horde, the Unsullied, Dorne’s army and ships, a smaller Iron Born fleet, and, on paper, the army and resources of Highgarden.

Cersei had the Lannister Army and little else.  I get it, the writers had to level the playing field, but it’s really unbelievable that Cersei could not only be THAT RIGHT, but also that Euron shows up EXACTLY AT THE RIGHT PLACE AND THE RIGHT TIME EVERY TIME.

I’m sure the balance of power will change again with the next episode, but it just bugs me.

We get a Helm’s Deep tease from Tyrion’s VO if the Unsullied were to attack Casterly Rock from the front, but, luckily, Tyrion’s asshole father made him the Master of Sewers, so Tyrion sewered the shit out of the place.

grey worm casterly-rock-2

Anyhoo, now the Unsullied are trapped on Casterly Rock with no food.  I was right in thinking that Cersei would expect Tyrion to try to take Casterly Rock, but wrong that Grey Worm would be killed.  Although that’s still up for grabs.

Euron struts into King’s Landing with Yara (I hope she escapes!), Ellaria and her daughter, Tyene, to wild applause.  What’s with the applause? Since when is there applauding at King’s Landing?

QJEuronropeeuron-4

I’m not into Euron as currently written.  I wish he were a three-dimensional character instead of a scenery-chewing caricature.

Then he predictably asks for some Royal Pussy as a reward, but was blue-balled until they win the war.

euron ellaria
Even in war, Ellaria still manages to get in her ab work.

I’M NOT EVEN MAD AT CERSEI FOR THIS

Ellaria didn’t need to kill Marcella.  At all.

ellaria myrcella
Daddy, this lingering lady kiss makes me tingle where my swimsuit covers me. 
So when Cersei came down with her hideous haircut wearing the shade of Revlon’s Long Farewell, did a bit of delicious monologuing, and kissed Tyene and poisoned her, I thought, “That seems fair.”

cersei-ellaria

Is this the last we see of Ellaira?  I can’t imagine her surviving.  What about Yara, who I hope against hope can escape?

SPEAKING OF BENDING THE KNEE(S)

In this episode Daenerys and Tyrion got humbled, and Cersei starts getting cocky.  Also, literally.  It’s clear what her kink is, torturing and killing her enemies, and not only does it give her a huge boner, she wants Jaime’s boner as well.   Despite his weak protestation, that’s exactly what she does.  That teeny amount of resistance from Jaime tells me that all is not well in twinning land.

OH.  Remember when Euron asked Jaime if Cersei liked a finger in the ass?  I could be wrong, but I swear Cersei put a finger in Jaime’s ass, replete with finger-in-the-ass sound effects.

Cersei’s cockiness continues when she doesn’t give a shit about anyone seeing Jaime in her bed.

Side note:  Cersei’s handmaid, Bernadette, looks super hot in her new Cersei-esque look.

cutie at cersei jamie door

With Daenerys being humbled, and Cersei riding a little too high, I’m sure that dynamic will make a big change in the next episode, as the preview indicates.  Daenerys is done playing nice, and I think she’ll bust out a dragon or two.

I know she’s going to lose at least one dragon this season to my dismay.  I wonder if she’ll fly to the Wall to get a look at the Army of the Dead for herself?  Or will she fry the Lannister Army?  Or Euron’s ships?

SAM GETS DETENTION

Sam “read the book and followed the instructions” to cure Jorah’s greyscale.  It seems if it were that easy, they’d have been doing it all along, so I find it curious why they haven’t.

sam shakes jorah.gif
Don’t tell me Sam’s not brave.
Jorah will go back to Daenerys, and I wonder why Sam didn’t tell Jorah about the White Walkers?  You’d think he’d make sure the girl with the dragonfire knows about them. At least Sam now has a channel of communication to Dany, which will be vital on many levels. He may need dragonfire to forge more Valyrian steel, and it could help forging the alliance between Jon and his men with Dany.

Archmaester Slughorn “punishes” Sam with making him copy some very old scrolls and manuscripts.  I think it’s the Archmaester’s way of giving him the information from the forbidden section, and Sam’s going to find some good stuff.

BRAN IS A DICK

Here’s what I wrote in my notes. OH SHIT IT’S FUCKING BRAN AND NOT ARYA!

I was very happy to see Sansa being as practical as FUCK about the food and the armor.

I also liked the fake-out thinking it was Arya at the gates, and it turns out to be Bran.  Poor fucking Meera, she’s the new Honor without all the love.

bran sansa hug with noth
At least hug her back!
I don’t think these two have seen each other since the very first episode,  so you’d think Bran could fake a hug back, but he does have a huge burden, he knows everything that’s happened and sees everything happening as it happens.  Can he see the future?  I’m unclear about that.

I’m also happy to know that Sansa isn’t power hungry.  She immediately offers the rule of Winterfell to the last living son, though he refuses.  I feel better about there now.

Bran, however, is still not in full command of his powers, as (who I believe is the) “Old Bran” 3-Eyed-Raven was killed by the white walkers before he could finish fully training his younger self.

Bran tells Sansa that he’s the 3-Eyed-Raven and that “It’s complicated, you wouldn’t understand.  And oh by the way, you looked beautiful on your wedding day and I’m sorry about all the raping.”

Game-of-Thrones-season-7-episode-2-sansa-bran-tree
How gorgeous is this? And did the tree face look even facier?
I guess the Old 3-Eyed-Raven also didn’t get a chance to teach Bran about trigger warnings.

The good news is that Bran, hopefully through the clutter of all of history unfolding before his eyes, he can see what a slime Littlefinger is and we can get rid of him once and for all. The WORLD wants to get rid of him once and for all.

The even better news is that finally Jon will know he’s a Targaryen and half Stark.  FINALLY.

THEORY

Bran was using his greenseeing abilities a bit impulsively when he was with the Old 3-Eyed-Raven, and one time when he did, this happened.

 

 

bran night's king
Doh!

 

 

Was this a mistake?  Meaning, this was not in the 3-Eyed-Raven’s plans, where the Night’s King grabs Bran’s arm and thus breaks the protective magic of the 3ER’s cave, AND the magic that protects the Wall.

Does Bran know he fucked everything up?  Does he go through the Wall on purpose, knowing the White Walkers will be able to now come through with the magic broken, and hopes that men (and women) can defeat the Army of the Dead?

Does Bran THEN greensee back in time to before the Wall was built and warg into his ancestor Bran and become Bran the Builder and he rebuilds the wall?

Or do they not need a Wall anymore if the Night’s King is defeated?

THERE’S NO G LIKE LADY OG!!

 

 

 

Cersei and Jaime fake-out Tyrion and send the bulk of the Lannister troops to Highgarden, with a Bronn cameo, and I guess Sam’s dad did agree to go against Lady Olenna.  Another dick.

This makes perfect sense that Cersei needs Highgarden’s land and food, and MOSTLY its money to pay off the Iron Bank of Braavos.  I still don’t get why we care how everything is paid for.

The Faceless Men are still there and surely have some part to play in the Great War to come?

Image-Post-GoT-memes2.1

Jaime politely comes into Lady Olenna’s chambers telling her it’s done.  He pours her a glass of wine, and then pours poison into it, having convinced Cersei that Lady O deserved a compassionate death.  Jaime isn’t the monster his sister is, he can be an asshole, but he’s not a monster.

Lady Olenna knows her time is near regardless.  Her family is dead, she has no living heirs, and there’s no one left for her to fight for, so she’s going to go out as only Lady Olenna can, as a bad-ass motherfucker.

She makes sure to tell Jaime what a cunt Joffrey was, and that Cersei is a monster.  Jaime ignores this and responds by saying that when people are living peacefully in the world Cersei built, everything will be fine.

I can’t tell if he believes this or not.  How on earth can he think Cersei gives one shit about anyone living in peace?   Lady Olenna drops another truth, that his love for Cersei will be the end of him.

Once Olenna gets confirmation that the poison will be painless, she’s all GLUG GLUG GLUG throwing back her entire glass of wine, then gives a little play by play recap of how painful she recalls Joffrey’s death.

joffrey death
So satisfying.
THEN

Olenna-Gif-Tell-Cersei-07302017
MIC DROP!
Lady Olenna came out on top when she was about to go under.  Her final shade was so shady, it could have started the Long Night all on its own.

Oh Dame Diana Rigg.  I’ll miss you dearly.  You’re a legend, you’re an acting giant, and every second you were on screen was perfect and delicious.

Will Jaime tell Cersei that Tyrion’s innocent?  If he does, will she care?  I think that Lady Olenna’s last words of Cersei being a monster and a disease will definitely stay with him.

 

 

 

Another thought.  I think in the preview for next week, we see Arya on a horse looking at Winterfell.  It’s possible the show runners will toy with our hearts.  They gave us a little Stark reunion closure by having Bran show, which, I think, is much better for Sansa (and Jon), where Littlefinger in concerned.

When Arya said to Nymeria, “That’s not you,” was she telling Nymeria or herself that?  Is she Arya Stark of Winterfell, or has she changed too much, as Nymeria has, and is now Arya the Faceless Girl?  Will she instead head to King’s Landing?

giphy

Will he show up at the Citadel?

 

Rating:

9.0/10

Game of Thrones S7:E2 “Stormborn”

Game of Thrones S7:E2 “Stormborn”

I KNEW episode 1 was too quiet!

DAMN.

DR. JEKYLL AND DAENERYS TARGARYEN 

Did anyone else feel that Dany was getting, you know, somewhat crankier? I’m hoping she doesn’t turn crazy like her Dad, or is she just completely owning who she is?  If she does become the Mad Queen,  will Jon take over as the next Targaryen heir, or have to kill her?  Being off-book is stressful.

Her sudden turn on Varys seemed REALLY abrupt and out of place.

dany turns on varys

It’s a little strange that she’s having this conversation with him just now, instead of when he first came to her, unless it’s her madness kicking in.  It’s also one that I didn’t find absolutely necessary to move any story forward, though it was a nice, little recap of his political journey and how it relates to her.  I’d just imagined they’d talked this out already.

What I did like about this was that Varys, who’s quite brave, didn’t back down ,and was absolutely honest, unlike anyone around Cersei.  Jaime doesn’t even try.  Guys, he sucks so hard right now.

Can Dany really blame him for his changing loyalties?  She was a child he’d never met, how was he supposed to choose her? It’s hard to pick the winning horse, especially when the rules for the race keep changing during the race.  It’s also hard to survive in the game of thrones, and this poor boy who came from nothing, lived in squalor, was mutilated, has managed to end up as advisor to a few kings, and now a queen.

Then Varys had a nice couple of very timely lines:

“Incompetence should not be rewarded with blind loyalty.”
“If you demand blind allegiance…Grey Worm can behead me or your dragons can devour me.”

For a man with no balls, one of a few on this show, he’s got some big ones.

Daenerys continues sounding like Jekyll Dany, “If you ever think I’m failing the people, you won’t conspire behind my back. You’ll look me in the eyes as you have done today and you’ll tell me how I’m failing them.”  Something Cersei would NEVER say, to her detriment.

Then here comes Hyde Dany, when Dany told Varys she will burn him alive, which he deserves if he betrays her, seemed to me tinged with a little crazy.  Am I crazy?

dany burn you alive
Well, THAT escalated quickly.


MELISANDRE’S EARS WERE BURNING FROM MY LAST BLOG.
AND HOW THE HELL DID SHE TRAVEL IN THAT STORM ARRIVE PERFECTLY DRY?

And what are her powers exactly?  They’re maddeningly murky, and like I said in my last episode blog, I’m not entirely sure she brought Jon back to life.  Also, don’t you think she might have MENTIONED the ONE THING in convincing Daenerys why she should summon Jon?  Like, oh, I don’t know….

HE CAME BACK TO LIFE OR WHATEVER.   SO, YEAH, TAKE THAT FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH AND WHATNOT!!

Yet here she is, still her hot self.  I didn’t expect her to show up there, so I loved this surprise.  They speak of the Prince (or Princess) That Was Promised, which could be Daenerys, Jon, or a surprise third party.  OR, what if it’s both? What if it’s Jon and Dany?

If it’s Jon, why wouldn’t he become Azor Ahai when he came back to life?  What will it take for him to make that metamorphosis?  And yes, he can be burned, so it’s not dragonfire.  Just PLEASE let him stop being boring and constipated.

SIDE NOTE:  These actors sell High Valyrian, and other made up languages, just so well.

mel-daenerys
They should hook up.

SIDE NOTE: At what point does Jon learn who his parents are?  They can’t drag that out for much longer.  Will he meet a dragon and the dragon will be all, “Oh, hi Jon.  Yes, you are a Targaryen!!” Climb on!!” Will he meet Bran on the road to Dragonstone?  Can Bran just send a goddam raven from the Wall and say, “Hi, Jon, it’s me, Bran.  What’s going on?    Not much here.  Your parents are Rheagar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark and you’re legit, so you’re royalty. K thx byeeeee!” Or why can’t Bran warg into someone or tell Jon through a Weirwood tree which he can to because he’s the reincarnated Three-Eyed Raven?  What the hell is Bran even doing?? I’m a little frustrated with all these confusing rules with Bran and what he can and can’t do or knows and doesn’t know.

Just as Jon pardoned the children whose fathers fought with Ramsey, so Dany forgives Melisandre for following Stannis.  Some similarities between Aunt and Nephew Targaryen.

I don’t know exactly what Melisandre’s end-game is yet, so I still don’t trust her.  What does she get out of finding the Prince(ss) That Was Promised?  Is it just to end the Long Night?  I mean, she though Stannis was the winning horse, AND she burned Shireen, so, she’s definitely got a few flaws.

Setting up the Targaryen meet-cute reunion!

jon davos dany on throne
Squeeee!!!

It’ll be nice to see Daenerys be told just what the real danger is north of The Wall, her reaction, if she believes it.

Will Jon bend the knee to Dany?  I think he will.  He doesn’t want to be King of the North or King of the Seven Kingdoms.  I have no idea how the writers will handle this meeting, or when and how Jon will find out his lineage, but it’s very exciting.

A huge shout out to the production designer, Deborah Riley, for crushing the design in general and that Dragonstone throne room in particular is GORGE!

CERSEI STOKES THE FEAR OF THOSE DAMN, DIRTY FOREIGNERS

Also timely.

Cersei is lying out of her ass here to get allegiance, and again, Jaime KNOWS she lying but stands there with his golden fist up his ass doing nothing.  She makes up shit like,  “Daenerys crucified hundreds of noblemen (she did not), she fed them to her dragons (she did not), the dragons molested goats,” and just on and on.

Uh, OK, hang on a second.

BITCH!  YOU BLEW UP THE SEPT AND MELTED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE, LIKE, JUST LAST TUESDAY!!!

HS blows upcersei watches sept burn

I mean come ON!  Why aren’t any of those noblemen talking about that?  Why isn’t anyone asking if there’s more wildfire, and WHY did she have that much, and who made it, and under whose orders??? WHY HASN’T JAIME BROUGHT IT UP?  Why doesn’t Jaime do anything???

Cersei sits there and accuses Dany of doing what SHE has actually done. (Sounds familiar) I don’t understand ANYONE who chooses to follow Cersei.  Including Jaime.  She’s clearly blinded with blood lust and revenge, isn’t to be trusted, and is weak in terms of army right now.  Why would anyone get behind that?

Let’s not forget her father, whom she hated because he never gave her the love and admiration she craved.  Tywin was a horrible father and massive prick, but he’s not stupid.

tywin to cersei not as smart.jpg

He’s right.  Cersei’s own sense of being the smartest, most clever person in the room will be her downfall, but before that happens she’ll take a lot of people down with her.

Speaking of shitty dads, it took me a second to realize that was Samwell Tarly’s asshole father, Randyll, though he does seem loyal, at least now.  We’ll see what happens with him.

xpmRE7fQwCl6L6OYLaAg_Tarly and Jaime

I’m hoping somehow Randy Tarly will ultimately see Sam be a hero by playing an integral part in saving the realm.  Right now Dad accuses him of  “spending his life reading about the achievements of better men.” Well, all that reading already has, and is about to, serve up some good shit.

Oh, and for my lady friends and gay guy friends and bisexuals all around, apparently they replaced the old Dickon Tarly, Sam’s little brother, with a new actor, Tom Hopper.  Here you go ladies and gents.

jaime and dickon

hopper 3
Did my protein shake roll under here?


WOMEN TALK WAR/DAENERYS HAS A DRAGON PROBLEM

Have we ever seen a scene where 4 women, plus Tyrion, are strategizing war?  No. Loved it.  Ellaria Sand mostly just wants revenge for Oberyn, and it must be tough for Tyrion to have to ally with the person who killed his innocent niece, Marcella, but he understands the greater good and is sucking it up.  Ellaira is too rash, so you know she won’t make it to the end. Yara wants to attack immediately, but without more information about what Cersei’s up to, that would be foolish.  I like Yara. I hope she survives!

dany-war.gif
Yara:  “All I want to know is, which one of you fine ladies needs some sweet, sweet lovin’?

Daenerys could attack immediately and just have her dragons burn the shit out of everything and everyone, but then there would only be ashes left, and like Dany said, borrowing directly from Tyrion, “I don’t want to be the queen of ashes.”

So then Tyrion tell them “the plan.”

To be honest, I was surprised when they all loved it.  Putting King’s Landing under siege seems dicey, that’s a war of attrition, and that’s not the kind of war that’s easily, or quickly, won.

First of all, Tyrion was the one who won the Battle of Blackwater Bay using wildfire.  He  knows how much wildfire is stored under King’s Landing, and that Cersei must be making more, AND that she’s not afraid to use it.  Did he hear about the Sept?  (Information travels unevenly in Westeros.)  So for him to suggest a siege doesn’t seem like a great idea. It takes too long, too many things can go wrong.

They will then use the “dirty foreign” army of Dorne and Tyrell’s (presumably less dirty) army to invade King’s Landing.  Again, not sure about that, and does Lady Olenna even have an army left?  She doesn’t know what’s been happening at King’s Landing

The part of the plan I found that made the least sense was sending the Unsullied to Casterly Rock.  Tyrion read Cersei correctly that she would stoke the hatred of foreigners to get the heads of houses to follow her.  And Cersei may ultimately be right predicting that Tyrion will want to take Casterly Rock, the seat of their family, the seat Tywin so cruelly told Tyrion that under NO circumstances would he ever, ever inherit it.

There’s a few possibilities about the Casterly Rock move.

First.  Is he sending ALL the Unsullied there? That seems like a bad move.  I’d think they’d want Grey Worm and some Unsullied around to protect Dany, as I don’t see any Dothraki in the room. Where are they staying anyway??  The Horseshoe Inn??

horseshoe-inn-london-bridge-01
It does look delightful tho!!

Second. Whether Tyrion consciously knows it or not, it’s very possible his desire to take Casterly Rock is so deeply-rooted in his emotions and hatred for his father, that he can’t see he’s doing it for person reasons, not tactical.  He might be convincing himself that it’s tactical, but it might be a beyond-the-grave “fuck you” to his horrible father.

Third.  Either Cersei wouldn’t have expected Tyrion’s plan, and the Unsullied successfully take the Rock, or, because she knows him so well, she knows Tyrion CRAVES Casterly Rock, and she DOES expect him to try to take it, and she’ll have planned for it and the Unsullied will be ambushed and slaughtered.

unsulied casterly rock
Loud screaming!

Then we have the Young Dragon cross the room to talk one on one with the Old Rose.  Youth and experience.

As usual, Lady Olenna had the best lines.  Her second best is, “He’s a clever man, your Hand. I’ve known a great many clever men. I’ve outlived them all. Do you know why? I ignored them.”

It’s a great line to be sure, but here’s the problem with that.

Lady Olenna COULD ignore them because she was never the queen.  She never had to rule.  So her advice could be spot on, or it may not be the best for a young woman who actually might be queen.

Her best line. “Are you a sheep? No.  You’re a dragon. Be a dragon.”

BeaDragon just lady O

It was a great line AND it made me nervous.  Daenerys IS a dragon, and has dragons, but the trick is when and how to use them.  The difficult part about leading is when to listen to your advisors in whole or part, or possibly not at all and just say “fuck it” and go for it.

Should Dany just fuck all the advice and be a dragon?  When she was too timid, she failed. When she was too cocky and aggressive, she failed.  She’s had many trials by fire, and not just the ACTUAL fire ones, she’s learned many different lessons, more than anyone vying for the throne, save Jon.

However, the most recent time when she DID act as the Dragon and burned all those Khals who underestimated her, she not only won, but got the mental connection back with her dragons and they were finally one, because she was finally being who she was supposed to be.  This show is a lot about people not gaining their full power until they fully embrace who they’re supposed to be.

After what happens with Yara and Ellaira, she just might go full “fuck it” dragon.  When and how is the best way to proceed? When to use the dragons? I honestly don’t know.

Olenna says they won’t respect you unless they fear you.  Cersei is ruling by pure fear and revenge.  Jon uses violence only as a last resort and in the name of justice.  Daenerys is somewhere in the middle, leaning toward more violent.  Some tough decisions ahead, and the wrong one at this point will be catastrophic.

SIDE NOTE:  How do they feed all those Unsullied armies and Dothraki horses? Are there stables?  Did they bring in a bunch of food trucks?

MISSANDEI BRINGS THE WORMTONGUE OUT OF GREYWORM

Some people didn’t like this scene. I did.  It was the most intimate love scene ever in the series, and, once again, it was a man going down on a woman.

For Grey Worm to say that he has a weakness is a big deal.   For the Unsullied, weakness, if they can’t overcome it, is death.  Now we know that Grey Worm can’t overcome his “fear,” his  love for Missandei.

The vulnerability and consent and intimacy in that scene isn’t something we see in this show.

gw-missandei
Unsullied manscaping.

Of course this means Grey Worm will probably die now because his weakness has been revealed.

GREYSCALE’S ANATOMY

Ser Jorah is looking mighty crusty.  I almost forgot that Sam served with his father, Jeor Mormont, Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. It’s sweet that Sam wants to honor Jeor by saving his son.

Honestly,  Professor Slughorn is the potions master, yet he wants to write his super boring book about Robert’s Rebellion instead of trying to cure Jorah.

NOTE:  The Archmaester is writing a book called: ‘A Chronicle of the Wars Following the Death of King Robert I.”  Which is EXACTLY what’s unfolding before him now. Maybe the Citadel has a rule to never interfere with, well, anything so as to be objective as history unfolds?  Sam says the title could be more “poetic.”  People are saying that Sam is actually the narrator and writer of this story, and he will name it something much more poetic, “A Song of Fire and Ice.”

broadbent
Merlin’s beard!

I love Sam’s progression, how he used to be terrified to break any rule, has become “Sammy no fucks,” because he’s seen the Long Night coming.

He’s been getting away with it too easily, and certainly there will be some consequences coming down the line.

Sam apparently watched a YouTube video called “How to cure greyscale,” and goes for it.   If Sam can figure it out so quickly, why don’t they try to cure others?  It’s the MOST OBVIOUS way, scrape the greyscale off and apply some Bactine.  Again, if Sam does indeed successfully cure Jorah, and the Citadel chooses not to for advanced cases, I still think there’s something nefarious going on at the citadel.

SIDE NOTE:  I assume his father Lord Tarly noticed his prized sword Heartsbane, is missing? It’s said to be the oldest sword in Westeros, over 500 years old.   It’s made of Valyrian steel so I’m sure Sam will learn something important from it.  Maybe he’ll learn the magic that’s needed to forge Valyrian steel, which they need a lot more of, which might mean a dangerous trip to Old Valryia.

sam takes heartsbane

THEORY:  OH!! Maybe Sam will find a cure for greyscale, and Old Valyria won’t be as dangerous because he’ll cure the Stonemen and THEY know the magic to forge new Valyrian steel and there’s possibly a stockpile of V steel hidden there?  I’m still into the idea of him weaponizing greyscale.

It was as horrible as I expected it to be.

jorah tries not to scream.gif

See Jorah’s got some cojones on him too for not screaming with Sam’s sawing off of that pus-ridden, grey scale crust.  It’s so gross, yet who doesn’t like to pick a good scab?  So I’m torn. But THEN-

I’LL NEVER EAT ANOTHER POT PIE FROM HOT PIE

Emmy for best editing for grossest transition.

FINALLY!! We check in with Pot Pie!!

Arya’s attitude at the beginning of this scene confused me. She seemed a little dismissive of seeing her old friend Hot Pie, but when she heard that Jon took back Winterfell which Hot Pie conveniently called “The Battle of the Bastards,” the look on Arya’s face was priceless.  She thought Jon was still at The Wall, did she think he was dead?  We see her shift instantly from Arya the Assassin, to Arya Stark who just wants to go home.

After all she’s been through, seeing Ned get beheaded, kidnapped and forced to serve Tywin, taken by the Hound and learned necessary cruelty, said Valar Morghulis and got free passage to Braavos where she learned to be an assassin.  But when Hot Pie tell her Jon took back Winterfell, a girl just wanted to go home.

Arya’s attitude at the beginning of this scene confused me. She seemed a little dismissive of seeing her old friend Hot Pie, but when she heard that Jon took back Winterfell which Hot Pie conveniently called “The Battle of the Bastards,” the look on Arya’s face was priceless.  S

NOTE:  Again, news travels weirdly in Westeros.  Arya was with the Freys for a while, surely they would have heard Jon beat Ramsey?  I mean, that raven Dany sent to Winterfell freaking teleported.

After all she’s been through, seeing her father get beheaded, kidnapped and forced to serve Tywin, taken by the Hound and saw and learned cruelty, said Valar Morghulis and got free passage to Braavos where she learned to be an assassin.

But when Hot Pie tells her Jon took back Winterfell in the “battle of the bastards,” a girl just wanted to go home.

princess bride fun
Smell you later! Going to Winterfell!

I love Hot Pie.  He’s so sweet and when he tells “Arry” that she’s pretty, it was just so matter-of fact.  I hope Hot Pie gets to be the personal baker at Winterfell or wherever Arya ends up so they can remain friends.

NYMEEEWIA!!

Great shot.

nymeria over shoulder
Hi Mommy Arya!!

As Arya wasn’t cut out to be a princess (That’s not me.) Nymeria wasn’t cut out to be a domesticated Direwolf (That’s not you.).  If they tease me and we never see Nymeria again, I’ll riot!!

I’m sure we’ll see Nymeria show up just in the nick of time to save Arya from certain death, and/or maybe Nymeria will lead the wolves to fight the wights, but she better not die, got either!!

arya-nymeria leaves

THE TRUE HEIR OF WINTERFELL WILL FINALLY TAKE HER SEAT AND IT WILL STAY THAT WAY


OK, maybe Jon and Sansa could, you know, talk in the living room or the library BEFORE the big meetings?  It’s hard to sell “we need dragonglass to kill dead people who become snow zombies and there’s this scary king, I mean, he’s got amazing blue eyes like the ocean, but he’s still scary, and so…oh never mind.”  It’s hard to truly worry about what you can’t see.

These guys are farmers, they deal with the dirt in front of them, so of course they don’t want him to go to Dragonstone to see not only see a Lannister, but ALSO a Targaryen, whose father, the Mad King Aerys II killed Sansa’s grandfather and great uncle.

The fact that Jon and Sansa don’t do the obvious, to talk before they meet with the other houses, seems a little contrived just to get a bit of conflict between Jon and Sansa, and Jesus Christ Sansa, STOP arguing with Jon in front of the other houses!!

She’s been mostly wrong with her arguments, and now that Jon leaves and takes the best advisor Sasnsa could have in Davos, she’s going to have pedo Linttlefinger doing what he does, and I’m worried she’s going to fuck it up.  No, I KNOW she’ll fuck it up.

WEEKLY PLEA: PLEASE KILL LITTLEFINGER.  I know they want a juxtaposition between Varys and Littlefinger, but come on!

I’ll tell you what though, as soon as Jon told her she’d be in charge while he was gone she’s all, “I’LL HELP YOU PACK!”

bye fam
I have no idea what this is but I’m kinda obsessed.

Also, we’ll get a Davos/Melisandre reunion, that’s going be fun!

starks-v-littlefinger choking
Jon’s definitely got some Stark in him.

Will Arya get back to Winterfell in time to tell Sansa to NOT listen to Littlefinger who, gross, just wants to fuck her because she reminds him of her MOM.  Seriously.  So gross.

Arys could meet Jon on the road or miss him, and Arya could get to Winterfell or not for whatever reason.  My heart thinks the writers will do the worst thing they can think of and somehow Arya doesn’t make it to Winterfell, misses both Jon and Sansa, and ends up somewhere else.

Is this their last goodbye?

jon and sansa wave goodbye.gif
Don’t fuck it all up while I’m gone! Don’t worry, I will!

 

TWO WORDS.  THE. HOBBIT.

Oh, and I guess Qyburn watched the Hobbit. If any dragons get killed by those stupid giant crossbows, I’ll be pissed.

giant bow GOT

EURON’S SIGIL SHOULD BE A COCKBLOCK

JUST when we were going to get some hot “foreign invasion” action!!  What a dick!

OK.  It’s not that Yara was about to get some clam action, and she was ignoring what was going on.  Her crewmen are SUPERLATIVE sailors.  That’s what the Iron Born do.  She certainly had men on the lookout.

yara theon see euron fire
So close. So. Close.

Why did no one think Euron would be out there??  But why would they because she though, like everyone, that building a THOUSAND ships would take YEARS!

NOTE:  Varys has “little birds” everywhere, how did NONE of them KNOW Euron had A THOUSAND ships?? Not 50, not 100, A THOUSAND.  You think  someone would notice??

NOTE 2: How did Euron’s ENTIRE armada sneak up on them?  Let’s talk about something that they haven’t touched upon on the show, that Euron has learned some dark magic in this travels to Old Valrya and when he spend time with the warlocks of Qarth.  I imagine he could conjur up a fog or something to conceal his ships.

euron-boards

So I didn’t LOVE this fight sequence.  Why weren’t the Sand Snakes spears poisoned? That’s their big thing. Does Ellaira not know how to fight?

Theon.  Many people on the internet are saying that Theon is a wuss and a coward.  Yes, he’s coward, he’s always been that, but he has SEVERE PTSD after what Ramsey did to him.  One just does not “get over” that kind of torture.

I think a miss int he writing was Yara looked like she wanted Theon to save her, when there was NO WAY HE COULD SAVE HER.  If Theon tried, Yara would be killed and probably Theon too.  I don’t get how Euron even let Theon go.  I really, really wish Yara have given him an eye signal the it was OK for him to jump over.  He was in a NO WIN situation. There was absolutely nothing he could do to save her, and if he tried, they’d both be dead.

They keep Theon alive for some reason, I hope he saves Yara.

Ellaira is in for a bad, bad time with Cersei, since she murdered her daughter and all.

QUESTIONS:

-Is there a spy amongst Daenerys group?  How did Euron know they would be sailing for Dorne and find them?

Will Theon get rescued by:

gendry for the end

Rating:

9.1/10  I didn’t like it as much as episode 1.  I didn’t love the Euron ambush and the way the Arya/Theon moment was scripted before he jumped. I also didn’t need to see Nymeria until she appeared at some point to save Arya at the last minute from danger.

Game of Thrones S7:E1 “Dragonstone”

Game of Thrones S7:E1 “Dragonstone”

A quick note to my one fan out there.  With long work hours during the week, and the fact this takes me many hours to put together, this season I probably won’t get it posted until the Saturday before the next Sunday episode.  It will still be epic and awesome tho!

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

AS ALWAYS, THIS POST IS SUPER LONG AND FULL OF ALL THE SPOILERS

WAT UP MOFOS?!?!!

It seems like it’s been FOREVER since a new Game of Thrones, and I LOVED this season premier.  Season premiers are often a little slower, setting up the chess pieces with maybe a smidge of movement, but this one, SHIT did people do some MOVING,  those constant bowels movements at the Citadel notwithstanding.

Also, I found a MAJOR theory about Bran and the vast crypts of Winterfell that’s based on the books posted at the end of the blog.  It’s pretty interesting.

So.

“Shall we begin?”

dany shall we begin best rez

Does an old Maester shit the bed??  HELLS YES BITCHES!!

YOU HAD ME AT GIANT ZOMBIE WHITE WALKERS

A gorgeous SFX shot to show how the Night’s King and his Army of the Dead are on the move.

Whitewalkers1aWhitewalkers1KIDS WAKLERwalker-giant

THE FREYS ARE THE WASHINGTON GENERALS OF WESTEROS

MOTHERFUCKING

ARYA

MOTHERFUCKING

STARK

It took me a half a second to make sure that wasn’t a flashback, and then of course I knew what was going to happen, and what happened ’twas glorious.

WalderArya is all:

arya you didn't slaughter all starks

And then she’s all:

arya removes walder face

And I’m all:

meryl-reacts-to-patricia-speech-oscars-2015-gif.gif

And then Arya’s all:

Arya1

Arya2

And THEN she’s all:

arya walks through dead bodies
Suck my dick Freys!!
Boy, was that satisfying as fuuuuuck.  I’m not sure if Arya will stop off at Winterfell on her way to King’s Landing, it would be nice for me emotionally if she did, but either way, I think it’s clear she’s definitely going to keep her promise to herself by completing her list.  The lucky people are:

-Cersei. Crazy hot but evil.
-Ilyn Payne.  He beheaded Ned.  Not sure where he is?
-Gregor “The FrankenMountain” Clegane
-Melisandre. For taking Gendry away (more on him later)
-Beric Dondarrion.  Sold Gendry to Melisandre (more on him too)
Thoros of Myr. Also part of selling Gendry to Melisandre.

We know that she’s not totally locked in with her list because she took The Hound off after seeing he’s actually got some good in his heart.  I think she’ll end up killing only Ilyn Payne, but definitely Cersei, and she’ll leave The Mountain for The Hound to get his revenge on his dickhead brother.

NOTE: I still have questions about the whole Faceless Man rules.  I thought the deal was that the only way to become a Faceless Man was to become No One, but Arya has always been Arya, and never truly became No One.  Does that mean she learned the magic without having to follow the rules?  Or did she learn the magic because there’s magic INSIDE of her already? The Stark’s definitely have some supernatural/blood magic in their lineage, though not all of them do, similar to the Targaryen’s where Daenerys couldn’t be burned but her tool of a brother, Viserys, could.

Let’s just flashback to that delicious moment again just for fun, shall we?

viserys

Continuing with Arya…

Arya’s just strolling along on her horse, not a care in the world because she’s a Faceless assassin and whatnot, when she rolls up on some Lannister soldiers.  My first thought was, “No, no, no, keep going.” She actually took a second to see whose soldiers they were, and only when she realized they were Lannister soldiers THEN did she get off her horse. That’s some BALLS right there.

9150ebb305ba9323fa668a69ab5beb4f062bffcc_hq

Why did she take that second?  It’s not because she was assessing the danger, she took a second to make SURE they were Lannister soldiers.

I loved this scene.  It was filled with tension, and we surprisingly get to see Lannister soldiers who aren’t total assholes, who don’t seem to like the Lannisters much, or being soldiers, and who all miss home in some way.  Real people.

That said…

Arya’s going to kill them all.

She’s going to kill them all and take one of their faces and uniform and gear, hopefully it’s not Ed Sheeran, and that’s what going to allow her not only to waltz into King’s Landing unnoticed, but THEN she’s going to be able to get close to Jaime, kill him, take his face, and then she’ll kill Cersei.

I don’t think that will happen this season unless it’s the last episode, because we need Cersei as the main antagonist, but Arya killing Cersei will also technically fulfill the prophecy of Maggie the Frog that Cersei received when she was a girl.

young cersei with maggie the frogmaggie the frog

Here’s what Maggie said:

Cersei: Will the king and I have children?
Maggy: Oh, aye. Six-and-ten for him, and three for you. Gold shall be their crowns and gold their shrouds, she said. And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you.

Valonqar is High Valyrian for “little brother.” Cersei always assumed that meant Tyrion, which is why she hated him so much.  Cersei is the twin born first, which makes Jaime officially a little bro.

Arya-as-Jamie killing Cersei would be amazing.  I think it will probably happen next season, because I bet they’d want a Cersei with EVERYTHING taken from her.  Maybe Arya will wait a while after she kills Jaime so Cersei can wallow in her aloneness. Or maybe Jaime will decide to kill Cersei himself…OH WAIT!!!

Just like Jaime killed the Mad King Aerys II to save him from destrying all of King’s Landing and every person in it with wildfire, becoming the legendary Kingslayer, in order to save King’s Landing AGAIN, maybe he’ll kill Cersei to become the Queenslayer? History repeating itself?

Oh.  THAT’S a good theory.

Speaking of Goldenfist Jaime, what the hell does he want?  His character has been doing a whole lot of nothing.

NO LONGER TWINNING

Cersei is blinded by her anger on so many levels.  She’s angry that her children were taken from her. She’s angry that her mother died in childbirth giving birth to Tyrion.  She’s angry that her father didn’t give a shit about her except  for selling her royal pussy to the highest, most powerful bidder, and probably even more angry that her father underestimated her.  She’s angry the men get to rule. She’s angry that Jaime lost a hand and is not the great fighter she admired and less of a man in her eyes (also no more magic fingers, it’s also probs his wank hand), and she’s angry that Jaime is NOT angry.

cersei jamie map

She’s lost everything but Jaime, and all she has left is to destroy her enemies and rule as Queen Lannister, which is also strange to because they have no heirs, so I really don’t get her point, because that’s a dead end.  Literally.  They’ll both die in the end, and not of old age.

I guess she just wants wide scale revenge, and to sit in the Iron Throne with a “fuck you I won” to everyone who told her she couldn’t because she was a woman, especially her asshole father.  But hey, when you call Lady Olenna a “cunt,” well, that’s not going to bode well. Don’t fuck with Diana Rigg!!


Yes, Cersei did make sure to learn all she could from her father and those around her, but her fault is that she refuses to listen to anyone who doesn’t agree with her, which is why she’ll lose against either Daenerys or the White Walkers if the creators keep Cersei alive that long.  She’s too blinded by anger and blood thirst to come out of this a winner.

Jaime MUST see that Cersei is unhinged, right?  They have enemies ALL AROUND them, they don’t have the army, even WITH Euron’s ships and men, there’s no way they can win and even if they did, they have no heirs, so again, what’s the point?

cersei jaime look at each other
There’s no more love there.
Before, Jaime was content with letting one of his kids rule, just be a Kingsguard, and continue fucking his sister. But now with no kids, what does he want?  He didn’t really want much before, and now I don’t know what he wants at all. Is it just to hang out at King’s Landing?  Why does he still support Cersei when he knows she’s lost her mind to anger and is solely working for revenge?  She doesn’t even want to rule, she just wants to WIN.

Do the Lannisters know about the dragons?  They must, but I can’t remember them ever talking about it.  Do they know about the White Walkers?  I don’t think so, and I don’t think Cersei would believe it anyway.  Do they know that Daenerys also has the full Dothraki horde and the Unsullied?

Cersei, to her detriment, thinks she’s the smartest person in the room, doesn’t trust anyone else, another of her many faults. She can’t see that she can’t conquer a kingdom when she don’t trust one, single person, not even the person closest to her.

She’s also thinks the trick up her sleeve is so smart and awesome.  What does it tell you that she didn’t even tell Jaime about it?  Jaime may not be the greatest fighter in the land any more, but he’s a brilliant soldier and tactician, and he has vast experience with every army, including the Iron Born.  This is just another testament to Cersei’s foolishness.

The trick up her sleeve?  It’s that evil S.O.B, Euron Greyjoy, who I like to call, Westeros Pacey.

greygoy ships

Many gorgeous special effects in this episode. The Greyjoy armada being one of them.

I DON’T WANT TO WAIT, FOR OUR LIVES TO BE OVER
(BEFORE I GET TO FUCK OVER MY NIECE AND NEPHEW)

You can’t tell me there’s not a resemblance.

joshjackson3euron-1 two good hands

Dude, SICK BURN on the “two hands!”

So, Cersei DESPERATELY needs Euron and his ships and his men, who I don’t think aren’t even great fighters according to Jaime. I mean, I doubt they could beat the Unsullied and the Dothraki.  She REALLY REALLY REALLY needs them.  Then he gets there and she’s all “Meh, you’re a little kray(ken). I don’t know if I can trust you.”

Also, how did they build a THOUSAND SHIPS in the course of what, a few months? Or even a year?  It’s a THOUSAND ships, and there was no Lockheed Martin back then.

ship.gif
Oh shit!  Whew, thank god it floats.
So Cersei turns him away, which makes NO SENSE AT ALL. She needs him no matter how crazy he is. She has no idea if Daenerys will attack tomorrow.  So this whole scene bugged me.  And then Jaime just stands there with his golden thumb up his ass while Euron chews the scenery.

Euron is going to bring Cersei a gift.  That gift, I guarantee, will be Dragonbinder, a sorcerous horn that can control dragons that he got from his time in Valrya.  He’ll either bring her the horn, or the horn AND a dragon.  And let me say, when any of those dragons die, and I think at least one will, I will be DEVASTATED!! I’m still traumatized by Bambi.

FYI: Another magical horn is still out there. It’s the Horn of Winter that Sam found when they were all north of the wall, back when he first saw the Nights King and Army of the Dead.

Dragonglass
“Look! An ancient dildo! I don’t want to know how many First Men have used that
!”It’s broken so when Jon blew into it, it didn’t work because of the cracks.  Its powers are to be said when blown, it will bring down the wall.  I’m sure at some point Sam will restore it, but when will he need to use it?

OH LOOK! ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKING BADASS – LADY BEAR MORMONT!!
ALSO, JON IS STILL BORING AS FUCK!!

I love lady Mormont.  And I love the way Brienne loves Lady Mormont.  The admiration on her face just makes me all happy inside.

I think Brienne was thinking how she wished she could have been that bold as a young girl.

Jon is right that both men and women and boys and girls will need to be trained to fight.  Lady Mormont took no time sticking it to the men who resisted training girls because, presumable, they aren’t capable or strong enough. Brienne would have something to say about that.

brienne looks at lady m

lady mormont sansa brienne

Jon and Sansa’s learning experiences have been vastly different.  Jon had to learn how to be a leader, reluctantly at first.  He did know that he also had to serve up some harsh justice or otherwise he’d lose the respect of his men.  Bye Janos Slint!

jon_snow_chop.0.gif
Ow my head!!

Jon also saw first hand what was coming, and knew that he needed every single fighter he could get. He absolutely had to make that unpopular compromise to ally with the wildlings, and forgive those houses that fought with Ramsey Bolton if they were going to survive the Long Night. 

And it got him killed.

jon dies
Ow my intestines, liver, kidneys, lungs, and spleen.
Sansa learned a mixed message,  that leading with cruelty doesn’t work, yet you have to be cruel sometimes, and she has no idea how to balance the two.  The difference between her and Daenerys is that Dany has learned, through years of mistakes, how to perfectly balance compassion and cruelty, power and sympathy.  Sansa has not.

Sansa, not knowing what’s beyond the wall, was wrong to want to punish those houses whose father’s fought on the side of Ramsey Bolton.  She was also wrong to argue with Jon in front of all the other houses.  That should have been a side bar between her and Jon, which speaks to her inexperience.

Sansa was RIGHT, however, that Ned and Rob, who always tried to be just, honorable and fair, is what got them killed.  It wasn’t their own sense of fairness and honor that got them killed, it was their expectation that everyone else operated that way too.  That’s the experience Sansa can offer Jon, and her intimate knowledge of Cersei.

jon sansa
Aw! Don’t fight you guys, you’re both pretty!!
sansa to jon you're good at this

They each offer in knowledge and strategy what the other doesn’t, and they need each other.  I’ll be PISSED if they turn against each other or if the writers have Littlefinger succeed in his manipulation of Sansa. Also, it’s so gross that he wants to fuck her.  I still don’t know why they need Littlefinger.  I know he’s the official Lord of the Vale, but there’s no way they wouldn’t follow Jon or Sansa, the King of the North, and Sansa, an actual blood relative.

Littlefinger still being alive makes no sense, and I think they feel they just have to keep him around for some conflict.

Sansa
Sleaze ball.
There’s been a lot of talk that Sansa has the exact same hair style as Cersei when she had long hair.  She definitely does. If they turn Sansa into blind, raging Cersei, I won’t be happy with that.  Also, maybe that’s the just style of the day, and it could be a simple as when everybody used to ask for the “Rachel.”

Rachel
How cute is she???
In summary, Jon and Sansa only survive together.  If they turn against each other, they won’t make it.

JON SNZZZZZZZZ

Let’s talk about how BORING Jon is.  He got killed and came back to life and is just SO lame.

jon walks
I know, I know.  I’m brooding and boring.
NOTE:  I’m still not convinced Melisandre actually played any part in bringing him back to life.  She never showed any of those magical skills before, and was clearly jealous of Thoros of Myr that he DID have the power to bring back Beric Dondarrion.

I think Jon warged into Ghost, though he may not even know he did, and he has yet to do it on the show (he does it in the books), just as he was dying after his “brothers” stabbed him to death.

melissandre hot
Boner alert!
melisandre old boner killer
Boner killer!
We also still don’t know where, exactly, Melisandre gets her magic from, and there’s still the Red Witch that showed up to talk to Daenerys.  Where is she?

red witch
Yowza!
I expected Jon to be a little more spectacular when he came back to life, and he’s just been boring as paint drying.

I think Jon will finally become who he’s truly supposed to be, possibly Azor Ahai, when he goes down into the crypts, looks into his mother’s crypt, Lyanna Stark (although he thinks she’s his aunt) and finds the sword he was mean to have, Dawn, that was sitting at the end of the bed where Ned found Lyanna just after childbirth.  Or maybe he’ll somehow discover she’s his actual mother and there’s some proof in her casket that Rheagar Targaryen is his father.

dawn sword

I just don’t think Jon is fully realized yet.  Unlike those maesters at the Citadel, he’s incredibly constipated.

SHIPPING SO HARD!

Tormund’s long game of flirting will pay off, and these two will finally hook up once Brienne realizes Tormund really loves her for HER.

Thorin1Tormund Brienne

What I hope happens is that these two will marry and/or consummate their relationship, maybe Brienne even gets pregnant, and then Tormund gets sent to guard Eastwatch-by-the Sea, one of the Night’s Watch castles, which, I think based on Sandor Clegane’s vision in the fire,  will be at least one of the places the White Walkers will cross, and will kill everyone there, or turn them into wights, including Tormund.  Though I hope he survives everything!  I want Brienne to have a happy ending.  She deserves it!

SAM SCOOPS POOP LIKE A ROCKY MONTAGE

This is a great montage and a nice moment of rare humor.  Clearly there’s no such thing as constipation at the Citadel.

sam gag

OK.  Here’s some question and theories about the Citadel that we know little about.

WHY are those books locked up?  If the Citadel is the place where maesters train in literally everything, science, history, medicine, why are those books forbidden to only a few?

They are hiding something.  Something BIG.

When Sam is talking to Archmaester Ebrose during the autopsy (I never thought an autopsy would be sweet relief to watching a shit montage), he tells Ebrose that he’s seen the Night’s King and the walkers and they are indeed coming.

The Maester responds, surprisingly, that he believes him, yet seems pretty blasé that a second Long Night is coming because he’s all “We survived it before, so why worry?” The Wall has protected them and will continue to do so.  I don’t think he has any idea about Bran, the new 3-Eyed Raven. More on that later.

Here’s a link that more thoroughly explains the Long Night.

http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/The_Long_Night

In a nutshell, it happened thousands of years ago before The Wall was built when the First Men and the Children of the Forest fought back the Nights King and his White Walkers, and Bran the Builder built The Wall to keep the White Walkers at bay for all of eternity.

Why is the Archmaester not worried?  WHY hide any books?  I think there’s something nefarious going on at the Citadel.  Also, you don’t cast Oscar-winning actor Jim Broadbent in a role that’s not going to be very significant.

Ebrose-Profile
Hi Professor Slughorn!!
In the first episode, Ned Stark found those direwolf puppies. There’s hasn’t been direwolves seen for hundreds of years.  The story is that after the Long Night was over, the Citadel outlawed magic and sorcery (which is why maesters like Qyburn were kicked out).

The dragons were supposedly extinct, and now there’s three, and maybe more.

The Nights King and his Army of the Dead have appeared after not being seen for thousand of years. Why? Why NOW?

CITADEL THEORY:  I think there’s some evil going on at the Citadel.

-There’s theories that they played a part in Robert’s Rebellion to over throw the Targaryens because they wanted Daenerys father, the Nad Kind Aerys II killed AND his son, Dany’s brother, Rheagar, killed.  Why?  Not sure.
-I think the “why now” of the White Walkers returning after thousand of years has to do with the Citadel learning that Daenerys (and for a short while Viserys) was alive.
-I think the Citadel thinks a Targaryen with dragons isn’t safe for Westeros.
-I wonder if the Citadel has a thousands-year pact with the Nights King?
-Is the Nights King a Stark? According to legend in the Game of Thrones world, the Night’s King was the 13th Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. He fell in love with a white-skinned, blue-eyed woman, and left his post to live an evil life with her.  What does that mean? I don’t know.

Moving on.

Sam already found out there’s wealth of dragonglass under, obviously, Dragonstone.

dragonglass

Sam is going to find out many things.

bad sam looks at forbidden bookssam forbidden books

Sam will find out how to fix the Horn of Winter.

Sam will find the letter from the raven that was surely sent from the Tower of Joy after Jon’s birth as evidence that he is a legitimate Targaryen. (Of course the first question is why didn’t they burn it.)  ALSO, Bran, who apparently knows all of history as the new 3-Eyed Raven, must also know who Jon is, as well as Howland Reed, Meera’s dad.

Then there’s this.

jorah arm
Um, I could really use some Neosporin.
That’s some serious greyscale happening there.  I totally forgot that Daenerys, before she banished Jorah Mormont, ordered him to find a cure for his greyscale.

It’s going to be great with Sam getting every bit of information about Daenerys to pass to Jon, eventually including the identity of his real parents, even though it seems that the other houses in the north will turn against him when he allies with Daenerys, which he will, and /or find out he’s half Targaryen.

People have been saying that Sam will also find a cure for greyscale, and I say, to what end?  With the White Walkers coming, who gives a shit if greyscale is cured?

THEORY:  Since we’ve seen that fire, and probably not even dragon fire, can kill the Nights King, what if Sam does cure greyscale and Jorah Mormont, but he ACTUALLY finds a way for greyscale to be weaponized?  What if the Nights King isn’t immune to greyscale?

BIG THEORY ABOUT BRAN

Meera, who must now have thighs that can crush coconuts after dragging Bran for god knows how long, finally arrives at the wall with Bran who is probably drenched in his own urine.

bran-wall

Now, it seems ridiculous that the Nights King didn’t catch up to them.  The reason he didn’t is because he needed Bran to go through the wall and break the ancient, powerful magic that Bran the Builder built into the wall.

{My past reviews have talked about, if the wall comes down, we find there are possible ice dragons or other magical creatures sleeping inside.}

Let’s get to Bran.  If Bran is the 3-Eyed Raven, he knows all of the past, and, with his vision of the Sept blowing up via wildfire, he clearly is able to see the future, and also affect the past as Young Ned heard him whisper.  So wouldn’t he KNOW that he’s breaking the magic seal that would allow the White Walkers to pass through?

Bran MUST know this, right??  Or does he not understand how to access all his powers as the “new” 3-Eyed Raven??

I’m so confused about his 3-Eyed Raven abilities.  Plus his ability to time travel makes things very confusing, and confusing is what my next section will be.

BIG BRAN THEORIES

Is Bran in an infinite time loop?  Is the first Long Night that happened thousands of years ago actually the Long Night that is ABOUT to happen?

Was the 3-Eyed Raven in the Wierwood tree actually OLD BRAN who was waiting for thousand of year for himself to be born again??  Remember when Jojen Reed told Bran that he couldn’t kill the 3-Eyed Raven because “The 3-Eyed Raven is you.” I’m not clear on all of Jojen’s abilities, but I think the 3-Eyed Raven gave him enough abilities to know that he had to bring Young Bran to Old Bran as the 3-Eyed Raven.

three eyed raven
Bran squared.
Did Bran time travel back to see Young Hodor turn into Hodor, or when he went back did he, IN THAT MOMENT, turn him into Hodor to save himself?  Which would be a horrible asshole move.  BUT, again with this time travel, if Bran became the “new” 3-Eyed Raven, could he change the past to where he would’t have to sacrifice Hodor?

tumblr_o7liclC08Z1qhz95yo1_500-1464007025tumblr_o7mjxufoy31rl53x2o2_500-1464007077-1

That was so brilliant and still so heartbreaking. HODOR 4EVA!

IS BRAN ACTUALLY BRAN THE BUILDER WHO BUILT THE WALL?

Because of complicated time-travel, if this is the Long Night that’s about to happen, and The Wall comes down, will Bran travel back in time to rebuild it?  Starting the loop all over again?

I need someone to tell me WHY Bran doesn’t know he’s breaking the seal of magic in the Wall that keep out the White Walkers.  It’s the Wall PLUS the magic that keeps them out.  If he knows ALL of history, doesn’t he know this?

Or does he know and there’s some other plan?

Bran the Builder also built the Citadel tower.  Hmm.

Bran the Builder also built Winterfell.  Double Hmm.

Think about when young Bran kept climbing everything and never fell, until he got pushed out the window by Jaime.  The reason he never fell is because he BUILT Winterfell.

Is there magic in the walls of Winterfell?
In the books it talks about a vast series of passages under Winterfell that is bigger than the castle itself.
There is also talk that an Other might be kept prisoner there.
There is also lore that below Winterfell is a hot spring that’s heated by dragon fire, which is why it gets warmer, not colder, the farther down the passages you go.  Is there a dragon under Winterfell?

Here’s a link to two VERY excellent articles by Heavy.com.

This one covers the theory that Bran is Bran the Builder.  It’s awesome.

http://heavy.com/entertainment/2017/07/bran-stark-game-of-thrones-season-7-theories-predictions-the-builder/

Here’s another excellent article about the crypts under Winterfell and what might live there.

http://heavy.com/entertainment/2016/05/crypts-of-winterfell-theory-great-other-game-of-thrones-jon-snow-theories-white-walkers-hodor-spoilers/

QUICKLY ABOUT SANDOR CLEGANE BECAUSE I KNOW THIS REVIEW IS TAKING FOREVER

I love that The Hound ended up BACK with the Brotherhood Without Banners, and how going back to the house where he stabbed the farmer, who ultimately killed his daughter then himself, really haunted him.

He saw the White Walkers take Eastwatch-by-the-Sea.

When he saw a “mountain that looked like an arrowhead,” that wasn’t A mountain, that was THE Mountain, his brother, whose helmet looks like an arrowhead.

mountain-arrowhead vision

I think we will get our Clegane Bowl.  Sandor will get reunited with Arya (YAY!) as she heads to King’s Landing, and he will finally kill his asshole brother.

Him burying the farmer and his daughter was a wonderful moment.

THE LAST DRAGON IS FINALLY HOME

I doubt Danerys remembers Dragonstone as she was taken from there and hidden when she was so young. This whole wordless sequence of her return was gorgeous.

dragons fly to dragonstone

dany boat dragonstone-flight
I missed these guys!  Tyrion and Varys are the best advisors she could have ever hoped for.
dany touches sand

dany doors open
Welcome to Jurassic Park.
long walk dragonstone
I’m getting major steps on my Fitbit!!
dany looks at throne
Gorgeous production design on the throne and room sprinkled with dragon scales.
dany table clorox wipes
I hope she has Clorox wipes because the last thing that happened on that table was Stannis and Melisandre doing the nasty.
 

dany shall we begin best rez
Shall we begin?
Yes please!!

Also:

Gendry still rowing
I’m still rowing!!
What if Gendry ended up back at Dragonstone?  What if they find him hiding?  They’re going to need a blacksmith to make all the new Valyrian steel swords, and Sam can teach him the magic required.

NEXT WEEK TWO AWESOME THINGS HAPPEN

Yara and Ellaria have hot sex!!

ellaria yara
Check out the arm/hand action.  Get it!
AND THE MOMENT I’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

ARYA AND NYMERIA REUNION!!

If Nymeria (or Ghost) dies, I riot!!

nymeria
She just needs some snugglies!!
Rating:

9.9/10  The scene with Euron took it down from a perfect 10.