Yes, I’ve been dragging my feet writing this, obviously. I’m bummed that this season is over and the next season probably won’t start until 2019, so finishing this blog means it’s REALLY over. I, like you, really enjoy living with these characters in this world, and the next episode of Game of Thrones is fun to look forward to, and now we have to wait over a year.
I’m also still extremely disappointed in the sloppy writing, logic holes, and stories that are just a means to an end. I have a LOT of questions about their own rules of magic, which they play fast and loose, and don’t get me started on that idiotic Arya/Sansa storyline.
The really big question I have is why did the Night’s King need a dragon at all to get beyond The Wall, besides the fact that it would just be cool?
At the start of this episode, I was really nervous that they’d fuck up the finale like they did the previous episode. So many storylines just didn’t make any sense, the biggest was the stupid journey beyond The Wall JUST so the Night’s King could get a dragon by accident. I can’t say enough about the idiotic Arya/Sansa storyline that made zero sense, and still made zero sense with the payoff. It was nice to see Littlefinger finally get his comeuppance, which was long overdue, but the means didn’t justify the ends.
Was it a good idea to bring, seemingly, your ENTIRE army? Why let the enemy know exactly what you have?
MAGICAL THE GATHERING
Oh, how I’ve missed these kinds of scenes this season! The crisp dialogue. Main characters who haven’t ever met or characters who haven’t seen each other in a very long time. Little moments, the back and forth of lying, manipulation, real respect, old friendships, trying to figure out the other’s true motives.
Bronn and Tyrion. Two men who respect each other, both of whom have come a long way.
Tyrion and Pod! Pod has always seen the good in Tyrion, and Pod is Tyrion’s surrogate son.
Then there’s the greatest reunion of them all, Brienne and The Hound! I love these two together and want more, more, more!
It’s SO satisfying and delicious to see these two meet again. Of all people The Hound might respect most in the world, and he hates everyone, he respects the shit out of that glorious warrior, Brienne. The look on The Hound’s face when she told him Arya was not only well, but anyone who crosses her should be very afraid. The slight smile of pride from both of them as they bonded over their little adopted assassin daughter made me feel all warm and tingly inside.
The fact that The Hound and Brienne are on the same team just makes me so happy.
Jaime wordlessly and hurriedly passes Brienne, the only person who reminds him of the man he’s always wanted to be and is currently NOT. Brienne knows that he saved King’s Landing by killing the Mad King Aerys, who heard voices that drove him crazy (I think those voices were Bran). What will she do when she finds out he pushed a little boy out of a window? No future heroics can redeem him from that, except some big sacrifice to save one of the good guys, maybe even giving his life to save Brienne or Tyrion.
Jaime’s arc this season was fucking terrible. I know they were saving his big exit for the finale, but the fact that he remained steadfast to Cersei was just unbelievable. “The things we do for love” motivation had long passed for Jaime. That he stayed with her, that ANYBODY stayed with her after she blew up the Sept, Ala The Mad King, makes no sense whatsoever. The fact that anyone stays loyal to her now is ridiculous. Why should the Lannister Army stay with her when Jaime leaves? Why should anyone?
The Hound steps up to his brother, who is looking shittier than ever, like he’s had three Friday night’s plus two more Saturday nights EVERY night, and says this, “What did they do to you? Doesn’t matter. That’s not how it ends for you brother. You know who’s coming for you. You’ve always known.” I guess that means The Hound will kill him. Is The Mountain deteriorating? If he’s dead, or somewhere in between, can he be turned into a wight?
I’m hoping at some point The Mountain might switch sides and sacrifice himself for his brother. Now THAT would be cool.
HOW TO ARRIVE FASHIONABLY LATE
First, another shout out to the set designer, Deborah Riley, for nailing it with the Dragon Pit, and also costume designer Michele Clapton. These ladies are crushing it.
Yes, I get it, Daenerys wanted to make a grand entrance to show her power, BUT DON’T BRING TWO DRAGONS WHEN PEOPLE THINK YOU HAVE THREE! For fuckssakes! All those advisors and not ONE of them thought of this?? The fact that Daenerys brought ANY dragons at all WHEN SHE KNOWS THEY HAVE A WEAPON THAT CAN SHOOT AN ARROW THAT CAN INJURE OR KILL HER DRAGONS makes zero sense. How does she know they don’t have a hundred of those?? And again, where’s the worry about wildfire? Oh yeah, what about that wildfire? Cersei used a lot of it to blow up the Sept, but we know they are able to make more.
Great spectacle, but not very logical.
Euron, dressed as a swashbuckling leather-daddy, chews more scenery. Ugh, this guy. So far, he’s just a one-dimensional character, and I don’t find him interesting at all.
Jon, in all his boring seriousness, gets up to speak.
The Hound carries the crate with the wight, shaking it around, DROPS it onto the ground, loudly opens the lid and – nothing.
Mind you, on the ship he went downstairs and BARELY TOUCHED the crate and the wight went crazy. I know they wanted the wight to make a “big entrance,” but come on.
I thought a more interesting choice would be that it was dead, or dead-er, or UN-reanimated. As if it would have been out reach of the magic of the Night’s King. The magical rules on this show are murky. What is the Night’s King magical powers specifically? What is his connection with Bran specifically?
I was worried that Cersei would see the wight and just think of it as some old sorcery. I mean, Qyburn can do some weird shit, and she could have thought that Dany has a crazy maester too, and that this is all just some trick.
Thank goodness that didn’t happen or there would have been a LOT MORE CAPS in this review.
Everyone reacted as they should have. Like WHATTHEFUCKISTHATFUCKINGTHING?
Except one person.
Qyburn calmly gets up and picks up the hand the Hound chopped off, looks at it, then had an orgasm. Right there. In front of everyone. Ah, Qyburn, you creepy bastard, never change.
The look of fear on Jaime’s face when Daenerys told him there were 100,000 at least made me think, maybe he’s not the dumb Lannister after all. But then I remembered, oh wait, yes he is for supporting Cersei THIS FUCKING LONG!!
The deal Daenerys seems to be offering Cersei is, “We all need to fight the Army the Dead because if we don’t defeat the Night’s King we’ll all be dead. If you don’t want to join while we’re doing that, then you have to agree not to make any moves to take over Westeros, and when I come back I won’t kill you, and you won’t get to be Queen of anything.” Why on earth would anyone think she’d take that deal?
One-note Euron jumps up and says he’s seen a lot of shit, but this is the first things he’s seen that terrifies him, and he’s all “Fuck it, they can’t swim so imma go hole up on my island until this blows over.” Euron is all about Euron, and it would have made sense.
Turns out Cersei was (I guess??) going to have Euron pretend to fight with her then storm off, she’d pretend to be done with him, but then he’d actually be sneaking away to bring back the Golden Company of Essos. How did they plan to do that? “Hey, let’s get in a fight at some point and you storm off. OR, let’s hope they bring something that’s undead, pretend you’re scared and THEN run away!!” Why couldn’t he just not have been there and Cersei could say she didn’t know where he was?
I was hoping Euron was street-smart enough to ACTUALLY be terrified, because he and everyone else SHOULD be terrified. What, he’s going to get the Golden Company and then what? If Dany beats the Night’s King she’ll come back and defeat Cersei. If the Night’s King wins, Cersei and everyone else will die as well. I don’t know what she’s thinking, “I’ll let them deal with in and meanwhile I’ll TAKE OVER AND RULE!” This whole “plan” makes zero sense. Or that she thinks Daenerys can defeat the Night’s King and then she’ll defeat her depleted army and rule?
Cersei agrees, too easily and reasonably, to fight the Army of the Dead in the “Great War” as they are conveniently calling it, but Jon has to agree to remain Switzerland. I don’t get that at all. She knows he won’t remain neutral, and why does she even need him to? Did she say that just so she could have a reason to say “fuck you” to the alliance? Then super boring Jon proclaims he’s already bent the knee for Dany, and everyone in his group looks shocked. Did he not tell anyone? Why not?
The meeting goes to shit as expected, Cersei and ball-less Jaime leave in a huff, then, the one person Jaime is trying to avoid, Brienne, grabs him and gives him the look of disappointment you got from your Mom that made you feel like the worst piece of shit.
Jaime, in all his scrotumless-ness, claims he has no control over his choices because he’s loyal to Cersei. Again, WHY???
Brienne, the most loyal of any loyal person who’s ever been loyal, has the best line of the episode. Brienne is the only one who can remind Jaime of the person he could be, but doesn’t have the courage to actually be, and I’m still not sure he wants to be. Although for me, there’s no redemption ever for Jaime because he pushed a kid out of a window.
Cersei storms off, and Tyrion goes into the Lioness’s den to try to salvage it.
Tyrion meets Jaime as he’s walking out of Cersei’s chambers not having made any headway. It seems like this would have been an important conversation to see, but whatever.
Tyrion goes in, Cersei threatens his life with The Mountain, which everyone knew wouldn’t happen. Chalk it up to more fake drama for fake drama’s sake.
The outcome of this seems to be that Tyrion probably leveraged her love for her unborn child to take the deal, and I guess Cersei thought lying would help buy her some time? Why on earth would Tyrion believe her? Why? Why? Why? Why after Cersei hated him his entire life, tried to get him killed, who lies and lies and lies, why the fuck would he believe her??
I will say though, that Peter Dinklage and Lena Headey haven’t had a scene together for a long time, and boy do these guys bring out the best in each other. Their scenes always crackle with tension.
I’m not sure how I liked the writing of Tyrion’s character this season. He’s been wrong about absolutely everything. On that note, Varys has basically had zero lines this season. Honestly, Varys should be the one to do all the negotiating as he has no familial connections to anyone and knows Cersei’s nature and when people are lying.
While this is going on, Jon and Dany have a conversation. In case we haven’t been beaten over the head enough that Dany can’t get pregnant, she has to say it again. Jon says what I’ve been saying, that maybe that witch is lying. Which begs the question, why would she believe that witch anyway? She didn’t use birth control when she was fucking Daario, so I guess her eggs have been waiting for that hot half Targaryen/half Stark sperm.
Of course this means she’ll get pregnant immediately and incestuously.
Cersei comes back out and says she’ll go along with their stupid, er, amazing plan. WHY DOES ANYONE BELIEVE HER????
Back to Winterfell for the conclusion of this dumb fuck storyline. This Sansa/Arya arc made zero sense. The showrunners THEMSELVES said on “After the Thrones” that these scenes were supposed to show that Sansa ACTUALLY thought Arya might kill her. Arya and Sansa were NOT plotting together. Nothing in the writing supports this. Nothing in Sansa’s reactions supports this. Sansa was actually written to be afraid Arya might kill her.
People on various comment threads keep saying, “They were doing it to trick Littlefinger.” No, they weren’t, because Littlefinger WAS NOT PRIVY TO ANY OF THEIR CONVERSATIONS. He was nowhere for their talk on the wall, or Sansa’s bedroom, or the talk behind the CLOSED bedroom door. This isn’t King’s Landing where there’s lot of tunnels and hiding places for Littlefinger’s “birds” to hide so he can overhear conversations.
So who was this shitty writing for? Who was it supposed to fool? What’s the point of Arya threatening Sansa’s life in private? Apparently it was written just to try to misdirect the audience. No one believed Arya would kill Sansa or vice versa. Come on, they JUST reunited since season one and they expect us to believe that shit?
In my notes I wrote WHERE’S THE MOTHER LIVING FUCK IS BRAN????????? OH THERE’S BRAN. NICE 1.5 EPISODE NAP ASSHOLE
A quote from my favorite Game of Thrones recap, a recap I like even more than mine,
“Bran is like Jean Grey if Jean only used her telekinesis to preheat the oven.”
Do yourself a favor and read his reviews. They’re hilarious!
OH FINALLY HERE’S FUCKING BRAN
More proof that Sansa didn’t know whether Arya was going to kill her or not is because she gave Littlefinger his OWN WORDS back to him. She didn’t figure it out until after she spoke to him, when he said to her, “Sometimes, when I try to understand a person’s motives, I play a little game. I assume the worst.” It was only after that conversation that she asked herself why Arya would want to kill her. The only answer was because she wanted to become Lady of Winterfell. The only answer to THAT is that isn’t something Arya ever wanted. So Arya and Sansa WEREN’T plotting together. Did Arya threaten to kill her sister behind closed doors where Littlefinger could never hear, in HOPES she’d figure it out? What kind of bullshit is that?
When did Sansa FINALLY talk to fucking Bran? When did Bran finally come out of his bedroom and say, “Oh hey guys, Littlefinger did this and this and the other thing.”
Sansa reads off the things Littlefinger did, with some new bombshell information for us, but why should the Knights of the Vale believe it? There’s still no evidence Littlefinger did the things he did, and they only really have his denial against Bran’s words. Do they just take at face value that Bran has these unbelievable powers where he knows everything that’s ever happened? I guess so.
Arya gives the most efficient slice to Littlefinger’s throat, and two glorious things happened, we ended that idiotic storyline, and Littlefinger is finally dead, which was LONG overdue.
Huge props to Aiden Gillen for playing Littlefinger so wonderfully!
The new information, more so than knowing what we already knew, that Jon is the legitimate Targaryen heir, is that Lysa Arryn herself killed her husband with Tears of Lys, when all the while I thought it was Jaime and Cersei. The letter to Winterfell to Catelyn from Lysa, was Lysa conspiring with Littlefinger, telling them that the Lannisters killed Jon Arryn, is what started this whole thing.
Littlefinger started it all, but at this point, what was his plan ultimately? What’s the point of putting a wedge between Sansa and Arya when there’s an Army of the Dead coming?
SISTAS 4 EVA
I don’t care how cheesy the last scene was between Arya and Sansa, I LOVED it.
These two hadn’t seen each other since season 1, and I love that they’re together, a team, the two wolf sisters, stronger than ever.
Remember these babies?
A nice surprise was to see Sam show up, since I thought he might go home. He walks into Bran’s room and Bran’s all, “I know everything.” THE VERY NEXT SENTENCE is, “Why are you here?” UGH! The writing of Bran’s character is so bad.
Bran tells Sam that Jon is a Sand and not a Snow, which makes no sense to me because why would it be WHERE you were born that determines your bastard name, rather than WHOSE bastard you are? I think the bastard term for a Targaryen is “Waters” and/or “Rivers.”
Sam then bogarts Gilly’s discovery that Lyanna and Rheagar were legally married. Bran’s mind Google’s it, and we see a guy who I thought was the exact same actor that played Viserys in an official marriage ceremony with Lyanna Stark. Again, I thought Bran knew everything. Did he not bother to look just a LITTLE BIT MORE into that area of the past?
I do love me some Sam, though. I also wonder if we won’t see any more of Jim Broadbent. It seems a waste to cast an actor of his calibre and not really use him that much.
This is a little weird, because the babies from Rheagar’s first marriage and wife, Elia Martell, Oberyn’s sister, were named Rhaenys and Aegon. They were all killed by The Mountain.
I don’t know why she picked that name, because there was no way to know, as she was hidden away during Robert’s Rebellion, that The Mountain had killed Rhaenys and the first Aegon. She probably gave birth right around the time they were killed.
But Aegon Targaryen he is. The first scenes of next season needs to be:
- Jon is told he’s a Targaryen (though still half Stark) and heir to the Throne
- Daenerys’ reaction to this
- Jon and pregnant Dany’s reaction to this
- Everyone else’s reaction to this.
- The Night’s King immediately shows up. If they delay his arrival for even 5 minutes, because, you know, he’s on a dragon, cue more logic-free writing.
If this ends with Daenerys just handing over the throne to Jon, I’ll be pissed. Jon has never wanted any throne. Daenerys has gone through shit and back working for it. If Jon just steps into it at the end with never having any desire for it, I’ll be pissed. Also, does that scenario sound familiar?
JAIME FINALLY LEAVES CERSEI FOR THE DUMBEST REASON
Jaime tries to reason with Cersei that they can’t win this. Cersei reveals that she secretly conspired with Euron to go get the Golden Company of Essos. She can take over all the lands while Daenerys is fighting the Night’s King.
They’re making Cersei out to be really one note, and kinda stupid. I also never believed for one second that she’d kill Jaime either. BUT, I’m glad that had Cersei stick to her true nature and lie.
So Cersei blowing up the Sept with wildfire killing hundreds of people and being directly responsible for Tommen’s suicide, and her just being irrationally consumed with revenge, NONE of that was enough for him to leave her, but because she went behind his back to Euron, that’s what made him leave? Got it.
It makes no sense for ANYONE to go along with her shit anymore. Not Euron, not Qyburn, and not even the Lannister Army. Why would anyone follow her after they’ve seen the girl with dragons and the dead that are coming?
Jaime rides off to, I assume, Winterfell, which will be very interesting.
CASUAL INCEST IS BEST
Jon and Dany have aunt and nephew incest sex, and it’s the most non-sexy, no chemistry sex scene ever.
What was that look from Tyrion at the end? There are many theories out there, mine is just that I think he’s worried that their being in love will interfere with making the right decisions, especially the big life and death decisions.
Remember in season 1, Maester Aemon wisely told Jon that, ““Love is the death of duty.” And I think that’s what Tyrion is worried about.
I wonder if he also knew of Jon’s true parentage?
THE MONEY SHOT
The Wall was the first thing we saw in the very first episode of the series, and you knew it had to come down at some point.
I absolutely think Tormund, at minimum, is still alive, if not also Beric. Tormund and Brienne have to have their stories end, and I think they will hook up. Brienne deserves a happy ending. Tormund has climbed The Wall more than once, so I expect to either see him on top of The Wall running to one of the other castles, or hanging by one of his axes and climbing back up to the top. That awesome bearded ginger isn’t dead yet!!
Yes, it looked cool, but here’s another huge logic hole: Why did the Night’s King need a dragon at all?
I know why the writers wanted it to happen, first, because it balances the power with Dany, second, because a wight dragon with blue flames would look cool, and because the Wall coming down would look cool, and because that was their plan from the beginning. The necessity of a dragon, and how the Night’s King got a dragon, however, lacks logic.
First, I’ve complained, as many have, that it took FOREVER for the Night’s King to shuffle to The Wall. People say it’s because he was waiting for a dragon. OK. How did he know there were dragons? Does he know because he’s connected to Bran and Bran knows there’s dragons? How much or little is the Night’s King connected to Bran? Can he only sense Bran or does he actually see what Bran sees? Does he see ALL of what Bran sees or just some? The writers have purposefully left his murky so they can make excuses when their logic doesn’t work.
Let’s say the Night’s King knew there were dragons through Bran, how did he think he was going to get one? The only way he could get a dragon is if Dany flew one over the wall. OK. There’s no way he could know that would ever happen. What if they never made that stupid journey, and what if Dany never flew a dragon over the wall? What would he have done then? Did he have a Plan B?
This is why Jon’s stupid plan to get a wight was just a means to an end so the Night’s King could get a dragon. There’s no way the Night’s King could know that Jon would come up with that dumb plan to go beyond the wall. Does that mean he ALSO knew that if Jon came beyond The Wall that Daenerys was SO in love with him that she would bring all 3 of her dragons to save him?
It was just a bunch of illogical steps to get to an end, so the Night’s King could get a dragon, and the Wall could come down in the most spectacular fashion.
Here’s another question, if The Wall was built SPECIFICALLY to keep the Night’s King out, why was anyone worried about them anyway? Isn’t that what the wall was SOLELY built for? To keep the White Walkers out? So why all the fuss? Why is anyone worried? The Night’s King could just stand on the other side of The Wall forever.
Yes, I know that PRESUMABLY, when the Night’s King grabbed Bran’s wrist, that it probably broke the magic in The Wall along with the 3-Eyed Raven’s cave, but why has no one has ever talked about the magic that was built into The Wall? I’m looking at you, Bran. That just seems to have been tossed out the window.
So IF the Night’s King knew the magic was broken when he grabbed Bran’s wrist, why didn’t he just go to and through The Wall then? He has mammoths and giants. We’ve seen the wildling giant break one of the gates down, and apparently he had giant chains with him this whole time, so all the Night’s King had to do was use his mammoths and giants to break a gate and go through. He didn’t need a dragon. It would have made perfect sense for him to just get the dragon during a battle south of the wall.
Another question, The Wall took hundreds of years to build after the First Men and Children of the Forest defeated the Night’s King. Where was the Night’s King that whole time they were building the Wall? Where did he go? Why did the Night’s King wait thousands of years to come back?
The Dragon and the Wolf started it, and now the Dragon and the Wolf will end it.
-I LOVE this show, I love this world, and I love these characters, but a lot of the writing this season has been sub par.
-Now that the Night’s King has a dragon and they’re though the wall, there’s literally no other stories to be told because he’ll be at Winterfell in about 3 minutes. If they delay this, it will result in more illogical writing.
-If everyone knows the Night’s King can turn animals into wights, the only reason for that zombie bear scene, why on earth does it not occur to ANYONE that he would turn Viserion?
-How will everyone receive the news that Jon is actually Aegon Targaryen? How will Jon feel knowing he’s been fucking his aunt, who will certainly be pregnant? How will the men of the North feel? Sansa and Arya? I mean, he’s still half Stark.
-Gendry and Arya.
-Jaime and Bran. How is THAT one going to go? If Jaime is going to Winterfell, is he even thinking about that? Does he think Bran and Arya and Jon and Sansa are just going to accept him with open arms? I guess he could tell them what Cersei is doing, Bran can google it, Brienne could stick up for him, and that might give him some good faith.
-Sansa and The Hound.
-Arya and The Hound.
-The Arya and Sansa reunion with the Hound will be amazing. I hope they hug him. I don’t think anyone’s ever given The Hound a hug and I want those two to hug the fucking shit out of him.
-Cersei will die. The prophecy of Maggie the frog will be fulfilled one way or another. She will be killed by a Valonqar, which means “little brother” in High Valerian. Officially, the baby is the younger brother, if it’s a boy, of her dead children. Although we’ve learned High Valerian pronouns can be interchanged, i.e.: The Prince that Was Promised. Yes, I do think she’s really pregnant. Either Jaime will kill her. Or Tyrion. Or Arya as Jaime. OR, she’ll die somehow in childbirth. The baby could be a dwarf, and she’ll die in childbirth like her mother, the baby will live, and Jaime will raise him as a single dad back on Casterly Rock. Or, EVEN BETTER, the baby will die in utero and become a wight and destroy her from within.
-Please don’t let any more dragons die.
-And do NOT let Nymeria or Ghost die. I look forward to the moment where Arya is about to die and Nymeria comes to the rescue.
-Tyrion and Sansa reunion will be sweet.
-Jon and Arya will be sweet.
-Jon and Bran will be weird because Bran’s weird.
-Jon and Sam!
-Sam and Jorah.
-Sam will probably learn Daenerys killed his dad and brother. How will he react to that? Probably fine because his dad was an asshole, and he’ll probably think his brother was a moron.
-Theon’s lack of balls saved him even thought that guy was 3 times his size. And boy are those Iron Born are very easily swayed. Fuck Theon! Oh, wait, he kicked that guy’s ass! Love Theon!! Where is Yara? Is she in the cells or with Euron? Why would ruin even keep her alive?
-I think Theon and Yara will end up killing Euron.
-I’d love one more Yara girl on girl hook up.
-We’ve solved the problem of who the three dragon riders will be, since there’s now only two. Jon will ride the one named after this father, Rhaegal.
-What role do the Red Witches still have to play?
-I expect the Second Sons led by Daario to show up to help save the day.
-What stake does the Iron Bank have in all this???
-Who I think/hope will live. Jon, Daenerys, Arya, Sansa, Bran, Brienne, Tormund, Tyrion, Davos, Ghost, Nymeria, The Hound, Theon, Yara, Missandei, Grey Worm, Sam, and possibly Jaime and his baby.
9.3/10. It doesn’t get a 10 for the stupid Arya/Sansa story.
Thanks to all the tens of people who read this each week.
See you in, possibly, 2019!